Eumoirous

Screenshot_20170815-195249_1Does this heart keeps on breaking?

Because my love is still in the making.

This fear of being honest,

This fear of not being the best.

How can we ever look at each other,

When we are lost in our own forever.

I’m never going to  this place,

I’m leaving away no trace.

The nights are too Long,  I’m honest,

I’m putting my love to a test.

Today I’m feeling emoirous,

I’m feeling emoirous. ”

*Phone rings*

“Hello?” he said.

“Hey! Guess who. ” she said in a happy voice.

“I’m too weak in this guessing game, speak up.” he said in a cranky voice.

“Idiot it’s me. How long you take to pick up the call. Never mind I have a big surprise for you. I’m in a relationship.” she said.

“Rela.. What?! I’m so happy for you. So when you both are meeting?” he said while trying to hide his emotions.

“I’ll tell you everything. Let’s meet today at the park. I have a lot to tell you.” she said happily.

“Sure I’ll catch up.”he said.

*phone hung up*

” Wow. And I was planing to tell her I started feeling something about her. Well I guess it’s not meant to be maybe. What can I do for her. Well… I’ll write her a letter. That will do.” he said to himself.

First time.

Hey it’s me. Remember we both always ended up fighting because I kept on talking about girls. You always knew me better than anyone else. And I always told you to wait for the right time. Maybe it has arrived for you. When you finally feel your first time. When you do get to know something called weird feeling. When you do everything yet it feels like you did nothing at all. All I wanted to say is I hope your first time feels like there’s nothing like losing someone. I hope your first time gives you a feeling of a lifetime where you can cherish every sense of emotion. I wish your first time gives you a whole amusement park not just a roller coaster. I hope when you hold hands you feel like he is the one. I hope when you both kiss you feel every emotion running through your mouth. I hope when you laugh you laugh like you laugh when you are with me. I hope you share everything to him like you do with me. I hope you dance your way through the trees holding hands. I hope you jump in the rain and you fight with each other like kids do. I hope your first time feels like nothing but love. When you hold on to everything when nothing falls into piece. When you fall asleep in his arms and he looks at you like I did with a smile on my face. I recall once you said we can end up together. But I was always afraid of losing you. I still I’m. I can’t let you go because you became a whole journey in my life. I’ve never been such high with my emotions, but I do feel that when I talk to you. I can’t lose you because I’m vulnerable. I can’t let go when I love and I don’t want you to go. That’s why I didn’t fall in love with you. I can’t let your first relationship be with someone who is too afraid to lose you. Who isn’t even sure how to love. I can’t afford to make you cry because of me. I can make your dreams come true but I can’t ruin your dreams with a truth. I can hold your hand the entire night but I can’t let go of it for a single second. I can fall for you but I won’t let you fall for someone like me. I can be your Armour but I cant let you lose because of me. I can be your shadow but I won’t let you notice me. You should fall for someone who doesn’t fall for you because only then you’ll realize how worth your first time is. I hope you can cross oceans without me. In case you don’t I’ll be you sail and help you out till the end. I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe we get along laying beside each other. But right now I’m running and I can’t make you run with me. I want you to have someone stable with whom you can call yourself to be home. Someone who can make you feel weird and beautiful. And someone with whom you can die in peace with.

Love

Your other half.      ”

Sighs.

“Hey did we make it the other way?

Or we just kept our sails a stay.

Hey did we fall in love?

Or we just flew away like a dove.

This life is always too long without you.

The days so dark and the nights all blue.

Tell me your stories I’m waiting,

Tell me how to love, I can’t keep dreaming.

 

dysphoria

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The wait which tends to be so long,
The gods keep on singing the same song,
Broken pieces which aren’t ever found.
which keep me making that sad sound.
Aren’t you coming back now?
Are you going to bow?
Aren’t you taking me with you?
We promised to make our world all brand new.
This dysphoria gives me such vibes,
This dysphoria keeps me awake all night.
Thinking about you,
Trying to make this dream come true.

“Hey are you not going to jump in?” a voice came from a recorded audio.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’ll always stay with you.” Another recording that comes up with a fimiliar voice.
“You don’t understand, I love you?” *phone hangs up.*
“Are you crying?” with a child like voice from one more audio.
“What are you doing this late?” came a voice from behind.
“Nothing dad just..” he said quickly wiping his tears.
“Go to sleep right now.” In a loud voice.
“Yes, dad going.” he said with a smile.
As he lays down. He covers himself with a pillow. He starts crying. No one in the world knows why. He always ends up crying at night when the world is far asleep and all you hear is ticking of the clock. There’s silence around him. The silence that makes noises that threatens his conscience. Silence that bangs his eardrums.
As he sat down on his bed with a sigh, there was a knock on his window. There was someone outside. It was a full moon night and it felt like there was a girl.
He opened up his window. She jumped onto him.
“Happy friendship day!” she said holding him as tight as ever.
“But wh” he couldn’t complete his sentence.
“Shhh, let’s go out first.” she said holding his hand.
He jumped from his window to the rooftops. He was right beside her. As close as he wanted her to be.
“Why are you looking at me?” she said with a confused expression.
“Why can’t I look at you.” he said with smile.
“Look at the moon, it’s much more beautiful than I can ever be” she said looking at the moon.
“Well even thousand moons can’t match your beauty” he said.
“Oh, how come?” she said.
“And you ask me how come the moon can’t match the beauty you have. Well moon can’t sing like you do. Full of irrelevant words and ruined beats. Moon can’t smile at me like you do. Moon can’t fall in love with things like you do. Moon can’t talk to me. Moon can’t hold me. Moon stands there life less and you full of life. “he said looking at the moon.
“But Moon is eternal. Moon is there and will always be there. Moon has watched stories and life of millions of people. Moon knows so many stories. Stories that you can’t ever think of.” she said looking at him.
And he opens up his eyes. He was back to the real world again. With that unwell feeling. Where she no longer exists. Where moon still remains eternal, but she’s gone.
He goes to the roof top.
“Hey. I miss you where you are. Talk to me” A voice memo. It plays on repeat. It repeats everynight. It repeats everytime he misses her.
He stands in front of the mirror trying to look at himself and feel her touch on his skin. He takes long showers and sits there thinking about the day when he forgot his umbrella and they shared it back to their home. Trying to feel it once more.
“Take my hand. We are almost there.” she said.
“There, where? he said.
“Wait a bit” she said holding a cover on his eyes.
“We are here! My favourite place in this small town. Where we can see the moon and the sun at the same time during the dawn.” she said smiling like a kid.
He whispers “I love you.” But no one there to listen to him.
“You said something?” said asked.
“Yeah. This place looks amazing.” he said.
Holding each others hand at that moment it felt like forever. It felt like it won’t come to an end. But it did. The moment, the places and what was left was haunting memories.
This unwell feeling it never loses its hold on him.
“Come back!” he wrote to her.
“Happy friendship day” is a message that flashed on her screen a year later.

“If I lose myself tonight,
Will you come and hold me tight.
The lines on my hand,
I hope they cut in a way I’ll be the one for you
I’m taking a stand,
for something I’m always going to lose.
This feeling of dysphoria,
Can it be my Euphoria?

Querencia.

Screenshot_20170725-165157-1“Found a piece of me in your eyes tonight,
as we lay beneath the stars,
your head placed on my shoulder just right,
healing my soul,like elixir to my scars.
“It’s perfect isn’t it?” you said with a smile,
I wish it was,
I held you heart you said it’s fragile,
every moment becomes an eternal loss.
My heart found a place to stay,
A querencia out of nowhere,
like my mind believes to live with you like this everyday,
All I do is look at you and smile because it’s all I can say.”

“Soldiers take your positions. We are in the middle of the war. Your life and lives of every other citizen of our country is up to you now. Fight it like it’s all you have.” said the commanding officer to the newly appointed regiment under his control.
“Are you afraid?”,asked the person next to him.
“No really. I’m happy that I finally became someone that can be productive for our country’s good.” he said with a smile.
“That’s really nice of you to think this way.” said the person beside me.
“Let’s fight it like it’s the last thing we can do on this planet.” came a voice from behind. And everyone was filled with overwhelming enthusiasm and urge to fight for their country irrespective of which religion, state or class they were from.
“War is upon us badly. You all have been called to the battle field. Hope you can make it safely back to the base and make our country proud.” said the commanding officer.
“Let’s go go go!” said a voice from behind.

 

“We are surrounded by enemies from either sides. We have no where to go expect to fight for our lives and die.” said the captain of the regiment.
“We’ll die with honor.” and everyone went to die. One after the other. Shots being fired. Men screaming and shouting. People dying. Blood streams all over the place.
It was up to him at last. Everyone else had sacrificed their lives for nations good. He took aback. And placed himself behind the bushes. He closed his eyes.
“Daddy! Daddy? wake up. Did you forget that we have to go to my school for the annual fest? Daddy fast!” came a voice from the faint memories he held inside his mind.
“Daddy! When will mom come back?” the child said innocently.
“Soon my dear.” he said.
As he said it in his mind tears rolled down his cheeks. He was all red not with blood but with the memories that came running down his cheek at that moment. He was smiling and crying at the same time. He lost his wife as she gave birth to their angelic daughter . Since then he took care of her like a mother. His daughter was the one he loved the most. He loved her with utmost possession, like no one can ever make his daughter feel like the way he did. He knew he has to die. To keep her safe somewhere in those towns where people are eyeing on him to save them. Emotions where cruising through him. Every breath he took made his heart more heavier than ever.
“Daddy? Will you ever leave me?” child said in the most innocent voice.
“Never child.” he said.
“Then why are you going?”child said.
“To save you.” he said with a smile.
He sensed enemy approaching him. He wiped his tears. He knew no one could love his daughter like him, but for her safety he picked up his gun, closed his eyes and said to himself, “I’m sorry child. I’ll bring back mom soon.”
A shot in his heart and he was bleeding to death. As he looked upon the black sky that night as he was dying, he thought to himself how bad father he was leaving his child alone. And then he reminded himself of the starry night when he was in love with his wife. He was crying as he was dying, and all he prayed was “Never give war to people in this world” and closed his eyes to blend into this forever world of memories.

“My querencia, her voice.
And when we promised our eternity,
God smiled at his own choice,
That even eternities end before reaching infinity.
Maybe we had the wrong idea about this longing,
I guess it’s as short as our promises,
That’s why we ended up dying,
In our own world of ruined ashes.
I raised my hand to reach hers,
I raised my heart to touch hers,
But the heaven was too far away from our reach,
Yet I closed my oblivion eyes to preach.
For us to meet in another life,
where we can atleast end the conversation we left behind.”

Eutony.

IMG_20170327_230531_007.jpgThe cluster of letters in her name,
made an Eutony so great,
I guess it’s love to blame,
and her eyes what a threat,
that robbed my soul,
like a talisman so sweet,
Did we reach our final goal?
Or we lost sight of our fleet?
Eutony her name was so great,
Eutony her name will be
Forever engraved.
“Did you ever meet her again?” asked the small child.
“No my son, I guess things you love are the things that are the farthest from you own reach.” said the man.
“But why did you both parted your ways grandpa?”said the small child with a blank expression.
“We didn’t part our ways my dear. I just opened the cage she was suffocating in. I couldn’t see her in broken wings. She was meant to fly high in the skies, I set her free so that she comes back to me whenever she wants to.” old man said with a smile.
“But what let you love her so much?” asked the child.
“Do you love your god?” he said.
“course I do.” child smiled.
“How much?” he asked.
“This much” he said stretching his hands as much as he can.”But what god has to do with love grandpa?” child asked innocently.
“Don’t tell anyone your grandma had power of gods aswell. Her voice made people love her, and her eyes were like pearls. She was so graceful when she stood ,like everyone else disappeared from the room. She did magic. She spellbound me. I couldn’t see anyone when she was around me. She held me in her arms like she’ll never let me go. Every breath she took while she was sleeping was so mystical to me. I lost myself in her. She took all my broken pieces and made it hers.” he said with tears in his eyes.
“Grandpa why are you crying? Don’t cry please.” child said in a sad voice.
” No my child I’m not crying. These tears bring down happiness that I hold inside my heart.” he said wiping his tears.
“Do you still miss her?” child asked with hesitation.
“I do. I miss her like earth misses the moon. I miss her like summer misses the rain. I miss her like an orphan misses his parents. I miss her with all my heart, with every tear in my eyes and with every ounce of emotion that’s engraved inside my soul. I miss her fights and I miss her scoldings. I miss her ignoring my presence and I miss talking to her about nothing. I miss eating with her, and holding her. I miss her eyes that called my name in the morning and I miss us counting the stars. I miss running with her to our nowhere, and I miss the eutony in her name. I just miss her every time.” he said with a sigh.
Child hugged him tightly.”I also miss grandma.” holding his grandpa.

” They way she stood down the hallway,
I was watching her coming close to me today,
But ask she passed by me without saying a word,
I could sense my heart hitting a sword.
I wanted to kiss her slow,
But I didn’t want to let her go.
I want to keep her close,
but I didn’t want to cut her lose.
I wanted to keep her within,
But all I did was loving her doing a sin.

All over again.

Screenshot_20170705-013804_1.jpg

“Get over her. She’s just a girl. Many will come.” his friend said patting on his shoulder.
“Yeah she is JUST A GIRL.” he said with a smile.
“Am I saying something wrong?”his friend asked.
“NO did I say anything?” he said in a frustrated voice.
“Say then speak it out.” his friend said with a smile.
“You say move on? Move on from what? Lies,memories,broken promises, future planning, laughs, shared clothing, wild dreams, late night counting stars? Move on from what child like faces, running and jumping around,holding hands,kissing her forehead,loving her? She already did move on a long time ago. I remember her say I will be the one who will last longer in this relationship. Where is she now? All she gave me is lasting memories that will haunt me for a long time and a lasting voice that will eat up all the thoughts that I had, which will be questioning me, and my potential. Which will just leave me in silence for a little longer. I feel numb sometimes, not because I’ve seen to much of it but because every time I break I have to start all over again. By picking myself and dragging all those scattered pieces hoping for someone to come and help me joining them in perfect match and then breaking it again. I say moving on isn’t tough. What’s tough is holding on to those tiny specs of hopes that Rome in the darkness of your thoughts like fireflies. What’s tough is hearing your voice everyday and still trying not to love you anymore, What’s tough is acting like I don’t know you anymore and be fine with who I’m. What’s tough is being me again when all I was told was I’m more of you and less of me. I fixed you right? I reminded you of things that you love then why you hate me now? Why everyone says move on and why not hold on? Why we say you will find someone better when You know what’s best for you. Why people lie to each other and give each other false hopes about how life is so good on the other side. Why people don’t say “Hey stay there for her she needs you or Hey hold on she will come back soon”. Why can people who love each other never end up being together? Why we have to start all over again? From the beginning. We started with a wild-fire and ended up in ashes, being so vulnerable that slightest of winds blows away our hopes. Why I have to plan everything with someone else all over again when I know I won’t ever plan anything like I did it with you. Why it’s so tough to hold on? Why can’t we just be on each other’s side for the rest of our lives loving like kids and caring like grownups. Why we built castles of hopes on clouds of miseries? Why we become to sure about it not breaking like everything else. Why we always hope others to pick us up? Why is she not here to listen to all this? Why all she said was some words filled with utter hatred which she never meant to say and why I lost a small piece of me with every word that came out of her talking mouth. Why I have to start from the end again to write a new beginning? Why is she the only place that is the coldest yet the warmest place where my heart resides? I don’t want to start all over again. I want to feel the pain of watching her go in front of my eyes. I want her to see how much I want her. Maybe she will feel that I’m too weak to move on but maybe I’m just to strong to hold on. Hold on to those words that she uttered while being happy, holding on to her eyes that catch every falling breath of mine. I don’t want to start all over again just because I want to forget her. I don’t want to start all over again just to show her I can do it. I don’t want to start all over again because my world stops revolving around the galaxies of infinite possibilities and endless emotions when she isn’t around. Tell me it’s worth it won’t you? Tell me more reasons to give up and I’ll tell you twice as many to live it up to you cuz I don’t want it all over again. ” he said with a sigh.
“If I was her I would’ve had kept you forever.” his friend said poking him.
“yeah.” he smiled.

 

Presence.

“Son, will you ever leave me alone?” mom asked his small child.
“Never Mom! I’ll always be here for you no matter what happens.”replied a 6 years old innocent child.
“Son, will you ever leave me alone?” mom asked to his grown up child.
“Mom. I don’t have time for this right now can we talk later?”said the grown up.
“Hey I miss you.” leaving a message for his girlfriend.
“Son, can you get me a glass of water?”said his mom.
“Mom can’t you see I’m doing something? Take it yourself.” he said in an angry voice.
“I’ll can bring moons and stars for you.” texting his girlfriend.
His mom was ill and he was not at the hospital when he received a message that his mom passed away some time ago. A sense of regret and emotions ran through his veins and his face became all red and he started crying like a small kid lost in a fair searching for his parents. He wasn’t able to know what he had done. So many unsaid words. So many memories. He looked at his hands and imagined his mom holding them. The smell of her clothes was so irreplaceable now. Every second he felt a little more lonely on this planet filled with so many people and faces.
Why was he crying? When someone dies we cry like kids just because we know we can’t see them again anymore. Their irritating attitudes, or love and affection or their fighting, we won’t ever hear their voice. We can just turn the pages of a long picture book that can be touched every time we closed our eyes but can’t be relived again. They say people become stars when they die. I belive they are so right about it. Because you know the only thing constant in life is sun,moon and stars. Nothing else persists. Not me and not even you. We die with memories and give memories to others as well. What if I tell you tonight at 3 A.M. that “hey I’m leaving on a journey to meet god. What message you have for him.” You will be like are you mad or anything like that. But you know death is something more devastating. It comes without a call and it takes you away. You  know what’s going to happen? Maybe my childhood crush will marry someone else and I won’t be able to see her getting all dressed up in her most beautiful apparel. Maybe I won’t ever marry my best friend or anything like that. You can’t change anything right. You can’t.
His girlfriend left him. He was betrayed for lame reasons. Was he not loving her? Maybe. Maybe not. You know there’s something in life called presence. That’s felt when that something is completely absent from your life. We ignore things and situations even people just for something that’s never going to exist in our lives in future. Why it is said that live in the present. Because you never know what will happen the very next moment. You tell of all the things you can do for your lovers, can you do that for your parents. I mean aren’t they the one that should know about everything in your life. Are they your enemies? They care. They fight. They love. They love you. No matter what happens there are always things you can’t do without them. It’s been four years since I had my first heart break. Maybe it was a long distance relationship but it destroyed every other relationship I had with people around me. I saw my mom crying just because I didn’t say anything for days. I was becoming heartless. I was traumatized by the thoughts I couldn’t get over with. But one night I couldn’t hold it inside me. I went to my parents room and hugged mom and started crying. I cry a lot to be honest. But I don’t know what power my mom has to hold every piece of me in such a stable situation I feel nothing was ever wrong. I have fights with my parents. But I don’t know how much I love them. If there was anything that I could’ve had imagined of doing successfully I wish I can make them happy. I wish can stand high on their hopes. I want to be someone who they can be proud of. Everyone wishes that. But what if they aren’t here to see what you’ve done in your life.
Presence is something that loses its value with time, but absence is something that goes deeper and deeper as time passes by. Being totally shy with confessing my feelings to people I hardly speak to anyone I know. I want to say so many thing to everyone. I want to tell my best friend I love her so much, I want to travel places with my crush, I want to marry someone I love, I want to dance in rain with small children, I want to tell my parents I can’t survive a single day without them being around, I want to hug my mom and dad together when I’ve made them the proudest parents on this planet, and the listen it  goes on and on.
You never know what’s going to happen next. I get demoralized everytime but my mom dad are here with me. I’ve met the most amazing and strongest people in my life. They know they can do it without their mom or dad with them. To anyone who is reading this. I know you can do it. No matter what happens you know you can. Because your loved ones and your parents want you to see you at the highest peaks of successes. It’s fine to fight with people who mean a lot to you. But talk to them. Because you never know when is the last time you had a conversation with them.

 Did i ever tell you. 

“Hey, I haven’t heard from you for a long time. Where are you!? “, he texted her. 

It’s been two months since they last met. She was his best friend. He had something deep for her which she never realized. They both talked like they’ve never seen each other. With same enthusiasm and joy. But everyone said she used to talk with everyone like this. So he accepted the reality and buried down his fantasies. 

“Hey. Are you there?! “he texted again. 

” hello? “he typed. 

He was engulfed with bad thoughts. He was not sure what she was up to. He was worried. It didn’t take him long to loose his mind and he began to cry. He was not sure what was happening to him. The thought of her was all over him.  He realized he had so many unsaid things that he wanted to say to her. He was tortured by the thought of never seeing her. Two days went away. It was time when summer breaks were almost over. Out of the blues he received a text message from her mother. 

“We are getting shifted to a different place in couple of days. Do visit us. ” flashed on his phone. 

“I’ll come today.”    he texted with lot of hesitation. 

“Sure. Come over to our place by 6.” A reply blinked on his phone. 

Initial thoughts were what all I can say to her. I’ll see her for the last time. Can I tell her what I feel. He was panicking. He was sweating and breathing faster with every passing minute. 

I’ll write. “what?!”  he said to himself.  “That’s the only way.” he said again with a sigh. 

He took his pen and started.. 

My dear best friend,

Its been soo many long years of us fighting,  crying, singing,  dancing, and being together. But did I ever tell you that maybe we had something special. I mean look at me. I blush every time I see you. I don’t feel like being myself when you touch me. I realize that everytime we don’t talk I want to talk to you even more. Do you have things like these as well? Childhood dream of all fellowmates of mine. You ruled things. And I was like look she’s my friend. I’m on the way to ruin my friendship but I guess it’s worth it. Because you gave me memories I can’t dream of but the world I have in my mind should be known to you as well. You taught me how to live in details. You showed me how fearless and amazing life is. You made me believe in myself. What you did to me was what love does to others. Did I ever tell you that your penguin like walk makes me love you even more. The way you beat me everytime I’m sad. Everytime you tease me just to make me feel more pathetic. You know everything still act unknown just to make me think you don’t know. Did I ever tell you how strong and beautiful you look when you debate on some topic. I’ve seen galaxies in your eyes and whirlwinds in your mind. How differently elegant you are. Did I tell you I will always love the “carefree”  version of you. Did I tell you how long my nights be when I don’t talk to you on calls. Did I tell you how good my day goes when I see you. Did I tell you, that you are like a soul to this  dead. Did I tell you I’d rather love talking to you for million years rather than  accepting all the riches of the world. Did I ever tell you that Ill always be here, and I’ll never give up on you like everyone else did.  You can mend a broke heart just by your words and you can make it bleed as well. I’m not giving you the power which you already had. I’m just telling you that this power will always be with you. 

All I wanted to tell you was be here for someone like  me because if not me maybe there will always be a person  you won’t ever see. 

With love 

Your best friend. 

Did he ever meet her? Was the letter sent to her?  Did she read it with tears in her eyes and gave him a hug or she just walked away. I wished they did. I wish he told her all of it. I hope he would’ve never left her like everyone else did. 

Maybe he did and maybe they are still together. Or maybe they never existed Like you and me. “Don’t ever tell her these things, maybe she’ll realize it herself.” said the voices. 

Why I write. 

Do you know me?  I ask myself. I shout to myself “Do I know myself?”. I imagine things, I fall for small efforts, I hopelessly watch ROMANTICS, I believe in love stories, I believe in life after death, I cry out loud, I hug mom when I’m sad, I assume things before they happen, I wait.  I ALWAYS WAIT. Do I know why? I don’t know why but I had this feeling when I see you.  You ,”YES YOU!”  make my day better. I’m a paradox. At times I don’t even know who I’m. I want to change. I want to live, I want to love and I want to be loved by the same person. I’m tried. Of assuming things. Running to places full of different faces with familiar voices. I want to go out and see how people love, laugh, live, dance, sing, enjoy life and be happy. I live in far away from people I love because they say I’m a distance person. Maybe I’m. I’m a distance person because I fall, I die everytime I open up myself. To people who don’t care. To faces,to those searching faces. Didn’t I hold your hand once and you said stop my ex is looking. It took me my entire soul to take your hand and all you did was say stop it. I love this distance because I will believe in every word you say and I believe  you mean what you say. I don’t have to see your face and realize you never loved me. I’ll always have to stare at those words you once said about loving me and it will all happen again. 

That’s why I WRITE. I write because my words are a home to my thoughts. My words are soul to my dead mind. My words are soaked in the love I never got from you. My words are you. I love my words and I love you aswell. I write because right now I’m too weak to make a change. I write because my words give me the power I never believed I had. I write because I’m the hero of my story and there are happy endings to it. I don’t have to run because I have a place to stay. In my words I feel Alive. In my words there is a sense of change that I don’t feel around me. In my words I feel that I am the one who can make you smile. In reality we don’t even see other. I write because of this distance. I Write because I want you to be happy. I write because I want everyone else to be happy. I write because these thoughts never stop. I write because there are no such combinations of words that can define how adorable you are. I write because I want to tell you that you are important. I write because I don’t see faces. I see tried souls that are fighting. I write because you matter, to me, and to everyone. I write because there’s a black sky in your eyes filled with stars that brighten up my heart that I can’t ever tell you. I write because I can’t talk to you face to face. I write because I forget things as I speak. I write because I’m childish and I carve for attention. I write because I want you to notice me. I write because I feel like there are things you should know about yourself. I write because I want a source to convey my gratitude to you. I want to write because of all those unsaid words that I have in my heart. I write because you mean worlds to me. I write to tell me that “don’t give up on her she needs you.” I write because you are beautiful. I write because I want to yell at you and I want to tell you that I’m not like others. I write because looking at you hurts me. I write because I feel sad seeing this distance between  us. I write because I can’t hold on to things. Write because things don’t work out for me everytime. I write because I don’t want to give up on you. I write because I feel. I write because there is this universe filled with unsolved mysteries yet the only mystery I want to solve is YOU. 

Honest. 

So do you think that honesty changes people? 

For me it surely does change our life. How you perceive it and how you lived after listening to those honest words. Words that destroyed things. Things that are going good are ruined just by mere words. How can you not be honest to someone you love?  I wish I was that honest enough. Didn’t I made you realize that when I was I saying “I don’t love you anymore and it’s over” I was lying. Didn’t you feel that I lied everytime I smiled saying I don’t love you anymore. The feels. It hurted. It killed my soul.  I wish I had honestly told you that maybe I can’t live without you and you are the only thing that I crave for. Wasn’t I honest when I was with you so as to make you realize that maybe I was lying when I said all those words I didn’t say.

“It’s not working out for us. Sorry.”

“I hate you. Please go away. ”

” I don’t miss you now.” 

“Your existence hardly matters. “

You said all these words. Didn’t you? 

Where you honest? Did you mean what you said. I didn’t. I wish you were not honest. I wish you lied to me. I wish you held on to us. Does honesty hurts? It does. You can’t keep you promise just on a thread of lie. I can’t. I won’t lie to you. I never did. Apart from when we both were fighting to prove each other superior in loving each other and when I saw you happy with someone else. Do we have to prove each other that we loved? I wish I was in love with your presence rather than falling for your absence everyday. Your absence. Like mist surrounds me. See what being honest did to us. Did our past made us what we are. Or we were too sure of breaking up.  I still feel we held on to that small bit of hopes we had. Wish we didn’t give up on out present rather than expecting a good future. We were honest in present. We lied to our past. We lied to our future. We were lying. We where lying to our presence and lying to our memories. Were we ever honest? I wasn’t. I lied saying  I didn’t love you. I kept quite. 

I wish we were honest. To our memories, to our love and to our feelings. Rather than lying our feelings out. 

My kind of perfect. 

Again She was having a really bad day. Scolding from teachers,  and parents were also really fed up of her behavior. She was not able to figure out what to do next. She had this friend of her who always told her she was perfect. She never realized what he really meant to say.  She called him. She told him about her bad day and everything getting messed up lately. He said “meet me tomorrow at the ground.” He hung up the phone.  She was quite annoyed as he didn’t talk to her in usual manner.  Next day they met. Boy was already there and before she could say a word,he took her by hand and told her to come with him. She was sensing a strange kind of happiness inside of her as they both were going somewhere new.  “climb up!”he said giving his hand down to her. They both were climbing at the top of a tower. It was almost sunset. 

He said her” you know, you are just perfect. ” She was soo angry and sad  she said began to cry.” I’m here right”he said with a big smile.. She looked up in his eyes. It was something she never imagined of.  She was in love for the first time.”why you are doing this? I’m not perfect.  I’m the most imperfect  person. I don’t live up to expectations, I’m ruining my dreams, I break hearts of people who love me.” She started crying more intensively. Almost choked her voice up. “you know that I’ve  been in love with you all this Time?”he said. There was that awkward  silence. Like everything stopped for that moment. ” You are perfect. You make it all happen at once. You make me feel the nostalgia of life. When you are sad I have those sleepless nights. When I walk with you I feel like everything is just working out with me. When I think of you it’s like my face lights up and my pains go away. Don’t you see how perfectly imperfect you are? I can stare at you for eternity and still will fall in love with the way you look up at me.  How can I even think of anything when God’s  own gift is infront of my eyes.” He was breathing faster than he ever did as it was the first time he told her what he felt.  

It was silence all around. They went home walking and no one uttered a word. In that moonlit night in an empty road he was looking at her and the way she was walking so gracefully  like a swan and the wind that carried her fragrance  was beyond what words could describe. She stopped suddenly.  His heart skipped the beat. Butterflies and storms inside his stomach. He was blushing. 

She looked up to him and said “I…

The dream finally ended.  

“wake up you fool!   You are already late for your school.” mom shouted. 

He was smiling as he realized how much he loved her and how distant she was from him. He knew how she felt and he knew he can’t lose her. She was too precious  to be lost. Yet the dream was so real that it almost felt like he lived in it. He felt her. He loved her.  He told her that how imperfect she was yet so perfect she would be for him. But irony was it was a mere dream. 

He took his pen and scribbled something in his diary. 

He wrote. 

“I saw her again,

I wanted her again, 

She was infront of me, 

She was a soul to see. 

She became so imperfect 

Yet that made her my real perfect.”❤️