Normal?

2d365938e19cf3b849757b1f11086fd1And they tell you things,
Things you don’t want to hear,
and they whisper about you,
open away your fear.
You fall through you insecurities,
But let me tell this straight and right,
You don’t have to hear them,
Because they aren’t the ones in the fight.
They’ll say things behind your back,
And things in front of you,
You’ll get away with this phase,
Believe me it’s true.
So if they say “You’re normal”,
just act like one,
If they say “You’re common”,
Just hear them and outcast everyone.

“I’ve seen her silent and quiet. Sometimes in pain and sometimes with a bright smile. You know there is this thing about her. She talks like normal girls about weird things she likes or dislikes. She talks to her friends like she doesn’t even care. She is silent at times like a winter morning or she is violent like a storm of a rainy season. But she is normal. At least I think she is. I mean like she doesn’t drive me crazy at times. Nor she gets mad at me every time I do something wrong. She acts like she doesn’t even get bothered at times. She takes away things she likes. Then why she keeps me distant from her most of the time? I don’t even know if she gets me going at times or not. But she is not the one in the romantic movies you know. Not the tomboy kind of girl. She isn’t rowdy or arrogant but I guess she is possessive. The way she sits with grace that does get my attention. I don’t know the way it goes but there’s something about her. She doesn’t have a big wardrobe or collection of shoes with her. But sometimes she dresses so normally that is looks beautiful. Sometimes, she sits and stares at things. Like they are some sort of art piece. I don’t even know what goes inside her mind at times. She gets angry and doesn’t speak a word. You have to cuddle her up and hold her close to you. And if you fail to do so you are in a big trouble I know. You will definitely not try to look in her eyes when she talks about the things she love. I bet you’ll fall a bit for her at that time. But trust me she’s normal. She fights and tries at times, but makes excuses to run away from her problems as well. The way she looks like a hunter at you when you talk to someone else will definitely freak you out trust me. But the sorry face she makes when she has done something wrong can melt any glaciers of the world. Maybe one of the reasons of global warming I suppose. But she is normal. She is someone you can spend your whole life with without any regrets or hesitations. She’s a different normal. A kind that occurs in every one of us. We believe in love stories and orchestras but at times it’s all silent and you have to search for it. You have to engrave her from bits and pieces and then she might become your valuable art piece. You can spend a lifetime for her but she will always act like she doesn’t care. And you will always have to hold onto her. Win fights for her and sometimes tease her as well. But again I’ll say she is normal. The kind of normal you will love to keep for the rest of your life.

And mom You’ll love to meet her. And please don’t mention any of this on our wedding day. P.S. She is the one for me.

Meet you soon.”

What if this isn’t the time to give up?
If our love story Isn’t heaven made,
will you try to sort things out?
or will you just evade?
I don’t know how hard will it be,
I don’t know how far I can see,
But with you it’s all calm and clear around,
and with you it all feels safe and sound.

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Did I lie to you?

70141c0b5928ebc28a08f0163a501e04I haven’t been questioned by you,

Why didn’t you ask me “How are you?”

I haven’t been missed by you,

Why didn’t you ask me “Where were you?”

I haven’t been loved by you,

Why didn’t you ask me “Do you love me too?”

Will you not stop me,

To run away in the blues?

Will you not tell me,

You need me too?

Did I lie to you?

I wish I wasn’t this true.

An Introvert feels things. You have to watch it. They lie? Let me tell you they don’t lie but they don’t have the courage to tell the truth as well.

And then they say life happened to them. What life? I mean like were you not a part of my life? I see you playing around and fooling things like they never exist in the first place. But why life happened to us? There are so many people around the globe but why “US”? I ask you this thing rather than asking anyone else. Yes to the one reading it. Did I lie to you? Did I ever not tell you or have the courage to say to you that I can’t act normal every time we see each other? Or maybe you aren’t even a part of my life anymore at that moment. What went wrong?! Like think! Because I want to ask you this. I want to know why we are still together or why we parted our ways. Was it your fault or was it mine? I want to know everything you never told anyone. Because I want to hear it from you. I want to know about everything that drives you crazy or why you love something so tremendously. Why you fall in love with someone who makes small efforts for you or why you hate someone instantly if they did something reluctant or opposite to what you expected them to do? Because I want to know about you. I want to know about your miserable nights and crazy fights. I want to know about your parents and everyone you love. I want to know everything that’s on your mind. Because I don’t Lie to you. I don’t want to hurt you with things that don’t get along well. I don’t want to ruin your expectations like I did with everyone else before you. Tell me one thing? Why are you still there reading this? Have I done something wrong or you just went through this random post scrolling down the feeds? Or you read these things intentionally? Because if you say you like what I write then please don’t do that. I’m just like you. I’m someone who never really got a chance to come up. Lost and thinking. I’m definitely way too good at goodbyes but I’ll definitely wait for you from dusk till dawn if you want me to. I’m not a liar¬† though. If I’ll love you, you will have search it. That doesn’t and never means I don’t love you. I won’t ever show it to you. But I’ll definitely tell you take care and have fun with your life. And I’ll get damn possessive if I see you hanging out with someone who is not me. I’ll sit in the corner and observe I won’t say anything. I won’t hold your hands in public but will definitely slap you in the same public if you do something really wrong. I won’t hug you in your happiest times(don’t mind if I do) but I’ll definitely hold you tight when you are weak and someone ruined your thinking about life. I’ll never be your showman but I’ll be your side crew. You will be the one on¬† stage and I’ll guide you to the best of your life episodes. I’ll help you bitch about your ex-lover or I’ll make you feel jealous at times. I’ll do everything to make you happy, but I won’t lie to you . I’ll say if you are wrong. I will trust me. I’ll say I texted my crush again or I’ll tell you all of my moods swings. I’ll just say it if you want me to. I’m hard I know but please try. Try to notice me. Try to catch up with me at times. I’m weak and I’m the strongest. I’ll be your armour and your ammunition and your shoulder to cry on. I’m a better me. Someone who’s worth it. Someone who tries. But don’t give up on me this easily. If you’ll do, I hope you won’t regret it in future. But I you regret trust me it gets worst. I’m the hardest to find.

If you see someone like me (don’t go around stalking though) don’t try to act you know everything.¬† Try acting like you know nothing. Maybe I’ll open up.( It will be much more harder than you think though).

“I feel awkward to see you this way

So beautifully dressed like heaven’s pathways,

But I stammer to tell you all this,

It’s so hard to just resist,

If I don’t say anything wait for me to do the same,

because for me it’s never a game,

I’ll try to be loving and true,

but if I fall apart trust me I won’t lie to you.

 

Kairos.

ce2759d1869bbd2cbb40aeeb4a29e7f5

I feel this silence,

I feel your violence,

I see your eye ball,

I see you rise and fall,

But did you ever see me there?

Did you ever watch my flare?

I feel like I’m fading in your blues,

I feel like I’m drowning with no clues,

Watch me burn tonight,

But please be there by my side.

”¬†DEAR DIARY,

It’s been a long time since I wrote you the last time. And you know when I write to you it’s about her everytime. And if I just re read everything I’ve written it’s just her in here. The way she never was. The way I imagined her to be. But today it’s about someone she never saw. It’s about me. Someone she hardly looked upon. Someone who never really had a chance to say anything. I think its time to let her know. Don’t you think so?

I tried. Didn’t I? Then why didn’t I get my chances? Like everyone else had. To meet her, to be with her or to just talk to her. Why didn’t I get to say all the things I want to say to her. Maybe because I don’t stand a chance. Or maybe I’m not sure about my love. The things I’ve lost in order to get to her are uncountable. But the one thing I’ll always regret losing is my self esteem. Which I put on line everytime just to get an inch closer to her. But what I get? Utter silence. I hate when people look at me like they want something from me that I can never give. I hate it when I feel so helplessly insecure just to say my feelings to someone. Why I’m made this way? Lost, uncertain, unpredictable and full of untold feelings. I see expectations and hopes that keep on crumbling infront of my eyes. I want her to notice my existence. I want to see how it feels to be wanted by someone. They say you try and try till you succeed. Is that false in case of love and relationships? We try and try single handedly and someone else comes and breaks away every brick of your dream castle. It takes years and years to try and build a castle where we can live our life together and it gets demolished by nothing but few wind currents? Why people keep looking around for something when everything is right infront of them? Why they can’t just say what’s on their mind to make it easy for someone like me who just waits and waits for the right moment to come but it never does.

This dairy written by me belongs more to her than it every did to me. From day one I wrote about how it felt and how it was never me and her. But the look in her eyes still says a different story. The stormy days and windy nights vanish when I look in her eyes. Her idea of life is completely different. We believe in love with a different ending. We love differently and we see things differently but do different things ever make a perfectly mismatched beautiful love story?

I won’t write to you my dear dairy. I won’t write now. Because these words should go to the place where they belong. To her. I hope she writes to you like I did.

But hey it was nice to have you. At least you listened to my side of the love story. Now go see how it happens on her side of this story. It’s time. But do tell her in the longest of nights I always remembered her calling my name with no perfection and yet falling in love with her in the most perfect way.

With love,

Me. ¬†”

I hope she wrote her side of story. But will these stories ever get another half? I don’t think so. We try in our own different ways. We see a different ending. And we love in a different way. The ones who love each other aren’t “made for each other” but they actually “make one another”. I believe your side of the story is interesting too. Will you write it for me? I’m interested to know.

 

“I took a deep breath,

As another night buried me into deep depth,

Will you give me your hand?

Will you take a stand?

I don’t want you to love me anymore,

I just want you to feel me to the core,

Hold me and never let me go,

I feel cold in this white falling snow,

Your tender touch can make me feel the world,

But will you come and help me move forward?

Komorebi.

dfe63ff7d54803c58c14a5177eb6b5ad“Long time no see?

How far we’ve come, feels like a dream.

But hey wait, are you alright?

Looks like you’re tired of fighting all night.

Don’t give it up this way I suggest,

There’s a life in the making live it to the fullest.

So have you been out with someone else?

Or it’s just me hanging onto our memories at rest.

The light it shines so bright on you,

I feel like I’m falling in love with the thought of you and this sky so blue.”

“I want to just quit things. I’m tired of being me!” He said being furious about work and life.

“But will it sort anything out? I mean like running away is an option?” She said holding his hand firmly.

“Well I need to take my time.” He shook his hand from her hand and left the room. He was in chaos about life. He felt like everything was against him. He went to his favourite spot in the park where he used to sit and watch everyone else in the park. This day was no different. Was it?

“I’ve been acting this way for a long time?Why everything has been so messed up. Life work, relationship with people and even my mood. ¬†Like every decision I take ends up choking my feelings about life all together. ”

“I knew you would be sitting here. I was worried about you running away ¬†without saying anything.” She said with a tender smile.

“Yeah you know me well.” He said as lifeless as a stone.

“Look. I know it’s been quite a rough few weeks. But will it go any better if you continue to whine about it? We’ve been together for a long time and I know you are strong enough to deal with things around you. See if you give up lots of people tend to loose their strings of hope as well. All I can do is get angry and make you feel I’m there. But you have to pick yourself up. No one else will do that. You keep on questioning yourself for the things you never did in the first place? You are a human. Don’t act like you are some sort of artificial intelligence robot that has human feelings but controls it flawlessly. You are mend to break. Everything that breaks makes it look like it was all worked up somewhere. Broken things are as beautiful as the ones that are kept in showcases. But I believe that things that are broken, are broken because they existed and helped out to make their presence felt. When you break you tend to heal after that. When you heal you’ll realise the importance of breaking apart. The more broken you are the more time you give to yourself to heal up. You’ll know yourself better. You’ll fight next time even harder and there will be a fair enough possibility that you’ll break again but hey broken things are legendary. Their stories are told as heroics don’t you think? Have you ever heard someone to be a great person in life without breaking apart at some point of time in their life? Heroes are made in wars and battles of the toughest not in showcases and treasury. The day you realise you are bolder when you are broken you’ll embrace it. All I can do is be there for you at any cost. You’ll have to fight your battles. The more you fight the more you’ll learn how to adapt. And when you try to adapt to the situation you create your own way of facing things. Life doesn’t get easy. Does it?” She said with a pause catching her breath.

The look in her eyes. She was the one. The one that fights by your side till you conquer the gods. The one that embraces you existence and falls in love with the idea of your being.

“You know” he said looking at the sky “. I always wanted to be someone people would be proud to have. I never fought hard. I ran and hide behind the dark so no one could see me. I know life gets tougher everyday. But today I feel like I’m someone new. And all I wanted to say is thank you. For you just being there. Not saying anything just standing there to look at me when I was down and hold me when you saw me crying. You know I never had a chance to tell you this but you mean a lot to me. You, the one standing there are the lighting that enlightens my world. You are the heat that fires up my soul and you are the one that takes away my breath but right now I need to be me. And when I’m myself again I’ll protect you with all my heart and soul. Because I know broken things are beautiful the way they are. And you showed something to me once.

“YOU HAVE TO BROKEN ONCE IN YOUR LIFE. THAT’S THE PLACE FROM WHERE THE LIGHT GETS IN.”

He said with a big smile. And then you figure out what happened.

They. Who were they? Me and you. Of course not. They were like us though. Holding each other at times when there is not place to land our feet on. Love isn’t about loving each other. But it’s definitely about making each other. Making each other a better person everyday. And me? I’m so glad to have you.

“Be it morning, dusk, dawn or night,

I promise to stay by your side.

But you have to stay there as well ,

Because I can’t do it all by myself.

But this time I’ll do all my best,

Because maybe I could then forever rest.

I hereby give you the right,

For you to make me  yours and be your knight.

But before you leave me today,

I’ll like you to close your eyes and pray.

For us to be this way,

For us to be a light in anyone’s ¬†darkest day.

Remember me? 


The trails of your wandering,

The paths that I kept on running, 

The wars we fought together, 

And the battle we lost for forever, 

Did I loose this fight long ago, 

Or I was just letting you pace and go, 

How silly I was to let you not see, 

But hey,  do you still remember me? 
“Why?! Why are you leaving!”, a voice from a boy was  filling  the silence of the corridors. 

“Wait!  Let me atleast ask the reason of you leaving me like this.” the voice in much more panic.

“At least say something!”, and the black shadow like body disappeared. 

“Wake up! You sleepy head. You are already late for your first day at the new office.” said his roommate almost kicking him out of his bed. 

“Wait I’m awake. ” he said in a cranky voice. 

“Yeah again the same dream. But why does it keep on haunting me. It’s been months since I had my breakup. But..” he was talking to himself but before completing the sentence a voice came from behind.

“Again talking to yourself. Why I’m even living with you!” roommate shouting.

“I’m going office. I’ll take my breakfast there itself. ”  he said emotionless. 

“And what about the things I’ve made for your first day?” roommate questioned back. 

“OK serve it. I’ll just take a shower till then. ” he said.

In the office,

“Well place looks good.  ” he said to himself. 

“Hey? New employee?” a voice came from behind. 

“Yeah. Can you tell me where’s cabin no. 216.” he said with a genuine smile.  

” Yeah right there. ” the man said. 

As he was filled with new emotions and excitement. A sense of bad omen came. He kept his bag on his desk and started his day’s work. But as he was indulged in it an aroma came by. The same his girlfriend had on. He turned back. The same black hair to whom he was entangled when he saw her first. The same white shirt she had on which she wore on her first date and the same old smile. She was a disaster to his fragile heart. 

“Did she see me. Ofcourse she didn’t else she would’ve had said a hi. Come on!  Why she’ll say a hi. But she was looking pretty as usual . Pretty you idiot she was looking beautiful. But what now?  What should I say to her? Should I talk or should I just let it be. Wait no! She is going like she did the first time. I choked and she left thinking I was not strong enough to stop her.  But I can’t do this again. ” he said to himself and millions of thoughts came engulfing his mind. He was all red. He was breathing fast. 

He got up. 

“What on earth are you doing on the first day of your office?!  What,I’m listening to you. Me?!  Who?  You my heart. Let’s see what happens. But wait! What if she says a no. What if she says she hates you?  Are you fine with it?  Yes I’m. At least I’ll have an answer to my questions. I miss her. I can’t do this without her. I want to listen it from her. I want her to be honest. I can’t see her leave because I gave her all the reasons to stay.  I want to tell her how important this is for me. ” he said to himself wiping his tears off. 

“Hey!” he said. 

The girl stopped and stood right there. It was like the world stopped for the moment. Like nothing else could replace it. Like it was their moment. She turned with red face and teary eyes. 

“Remember me? ” he said with a smile and she was in tears. 

“And then it was their moment,

Like nothing else was meant, 

How fast they caught up with each other, 

How love lasts unlike any other, 

But these memories are a place you find me always, 

Because all these are different phase, 

But don’t forget me so that I can set you free, 

For everytime you forget I’ll say “Hey do you remember me? “

Trivial love. 

I can feel a distance of thousand suns,

Like this race has just begun,

I can feel my hands shivering in fears,

Like it’s all coming back from past years,

I glance at you in a hope of revival,

Yet I just think of a mere survival,

Like the moon will lose it’s shine one day,

Like the world won’t make it past its dooms day,

Can you tell me how long I have to wait,

Because this love makes me lose my faith.
“Should I text her?”I ask myself.

“Like you have listened to what I say to you right?” A voice came banging from inside.

“But I can make it alright” I said in a sad tone.

“Like you always made it alright? For God sake don’t text her long messages. It hurts inside when you text her everything and all you get is a “last seen at “. Why so stubborn?” Voice replied.

“Why so stubborn? Because I’ve heard it so many times that the things that are meant to be with you will always be there with you. And I can’t bear this distance between us. I feel like miles and miles of dessert still I make a move to get something out of it. Because I can’t let her go away without trying everything I have.” I said

“You have anything? Like love left ? Why you name it love? Is love so easily lost and so hard to find? I mean look at you and look at her. Love separates people to an extent they don’t even recognise each other or pretend that they are perfect strangers with their shared packets of forevers and endless promises which they have made . How can love demand nothing yet takes away everything from you?” Voice with utmost rage.

“Have you ever seen her smile?”I said 

No reply.

“Have you ever tried to touch her hands as she gets closer to you? Have you ever felt so lost in her deep black eyes that almost drown in them. Her scent so fresh like winds that pass through a garden of roses. Have you ever been this fallen in love that minutes of being with her feels like millenniums of infinities. Have you ever held her in your arms and felt like the entire universe in your arms. I close my eyes and I see her beside me. I don’t see her when I open my eyes. How tragic it is that I’ve spent my entire lifetime with someone I longer get to see or get to touch or get to feel. All I do is replay the voice memos she sent me on my birthday or the picture collage she sent me. I’ve been looking at them for days, weeks, months and even years. It has all passed by now and I have heard those memos soo many times I know what will come next. Still I wait eagerly for her to say those things and smile like an idiot. I sense you are right but I sense you are totally wrong as well. I know I’m not the one but I know I won’t give up on the fact of being the last one. 

I’ve read this quote in a movie. 

How can one step away from you be the step in the wrong direction.

I’ve missed her. Don’t you see that? ” I said crying to myself.

“But.” A voice came from inside.

“What but?” I uttered 

” Love is something that I won’t ever understand” voice said. 

“Why are you crying again?” Mom shouted.

“Well she knows what love is.” I said whispering.

“Wait I’ll tell you more about love.” Mom said slapping on my head.

“No way she heard that. Damn mom. ” I said smiling.

” You never loved me she said,

I always loved you he shouted,

Then why you left me she asked,

Because it was meant to be he remarked,

Is this what love means now I ask,

How trivial this love and it’s so dark,

But the god came down to me,

And held me to let me see,

How love means trying you heart out,

And forgetting about this chaos and drought,

Because love means trying,

And love is also a little bit of dying.

Say something

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“Talk to me, say something,
Speak to me because it’s haunting,
won’t you remind me of all the promises,
won’t you take me to our old premises,
It hurts watching you this way,
It pains looking at you going away,
Won’t you keep me inside you heart,
Please say something because it’s hard to restart.”

As he left his office building in a hurry he sensed a strange feeling coming from within him. He started getting calls and messages all of a sudden from people and relatives.
“What could’ve happend!?”he said to himself.
Phone ringing. *flashed mom*
“Maa, what happend?”he asked.
“She met an accident.” voice came from the other side.
“Okay.”he said emotionless.”Text me the address of the hospital and room number.” he said in a hurry.
As he hurried down the road to catch a cab he could sense his heart coming out of his chest. The nostalgia so deep, he could sense himself somewhere he never wanted to have himself. He booked a cab and as he seated himself on the warm seat of the cab he felt almost everything going inside his mind.
A strange thought came to his mind,”But did I loved her enough?” he said holding his head the starting out of his window as the cab rushed down the highway to the city hospital. Coincidentally it was the same date when they both first met on a secret date bunking their coaching 7 years ago, and it felt to him like nothing changed at all between that day to this day. But today all of a sudden his 2556 days of being with her seemed to be so less. He felt like he can write million things about her. He was in a dilemma for his love and for his affection towards her. He took a deep breath as the cab reached in front of the hospital premise. He closed his eyes for a second and he saw her smiling face and all he did was exchange smiles closing his eyes.
He rushed into the hospital and checked into the hospital and enquired about her room. He saw relatives and most of all he saw tensed faces. With every step he took his heart would sink deeper in the darkest depths of his insecurities. He gathered his strength and asked,”How is she doing?”. “Go look yourself.” said his father. ¬†He slowly went inside and his heart skipped a beat when he saw her. Her face filled with stitches and bandages and her hand swelled with injections of painkillers. He was staring at her. Stunned, by what was in front of him. She was the same girl with the most amazing and generous smile of this small little world. She was the same little girl who perfectly matched the size of his hug and she was the same girl who went around the room to jump on his back and tell him to sing her his favourite song. She was still the same. But she was still. motionless, like a statue with no emotion. She was so silent to him that day even the clock ticking felt like drums banging around him.
“Say something. Don’t just lay there my love.” He said to break the silence of the clock ticking.
“You look beautiful, even with these marks on your face. Remember the first time you got a mark by a sharp pencil you said you hate marks on your face. I guess you will have a hell lot of complains to make when you wake up. I missed you like a solider misses his family and a mother misses her child when he’s gone. I missed you with every tick of the clock and every breath I take in. How long you’ve been this way? How much pain you’ve been in already. I’m holding you hand and it feels so cold. I want to give you every sense of warmth I have to make you feel like I’m here next to you. I remember how many times I’ve told you I don’t love you but I love you more that ever. I told you I don’t have anything to say to you but now it feels like I could tell you so many things. I could tell you how much I love you and how much I want you right now. I could tell you I’ve never been this lonely in my life before and I could tell you how everything was wrong with me in the office. I want to talk to you. I want you tell you how much this moment is important to me and how I can’t afford to lose you for even a second. I want to live all the remaining moments of my life with you right by your side so that I could keep on telling you that I’ll never run out of love for you. Say something, talk to me, just say anything you want to. Tell me how your day was or how your hair irritated you the entire day or how your office colleagues tried to ruin your day. Just say anything you want to, but say something. Don’t lay there so lifeless. Open your eyes and show me that you are okay. Say something..” he said with big sigh.
“Did you eat anything?” came a voice.
“what?” he said looking up.
“I said did…” she unable to complete her sentence.
He kissed her forehead with a smile.
“You would’ve said something else.” he said pampering her head.

“Silence has its own stories,
Silence speaks its own melodies,
Do you have anything to say,
or you are just pretending to stay,
Don’t look away my darling,
I’m tired of this hiding,
Say something about yourself,
Tell me everything you hide in your shelf,
Talk to me won’t you?
or will you let me go so soon?

A friend of mine.

81b37afc9b0f95e85cccf333ca81f919--guy-quotes-friend-quotesA friend of mine.
Friendships are the bonds that break,
but is it all what friendships take?
I mean look at the things you had,
but now it’s all gloomy and sad,
the thoughts you had yesterday,
and the thoughts you have everyday,
will they ever fade away,
like the promises that turned to silvery gray,
A friend of mine was there with me,
A friend that I no longer see,
A friend of mine with whom childhood was spent,
A friend of mine that was just like a portion’s sweet scent.

A letter to someone with whom I’ve spent my entire childhood once but we don’t hang up nowadays. It’s been 30 years. 30 years ago I left my school and all the fond memories just faded away with the swift breeze of air.
“Hey how long it’s been right? Like millions of years without a home to stay in and no destination to go to. “How are you? and where are you?” all these questions haunted me for years but now it’s all normal for me I guess. This empty feeling has been there for so long I no longer feel it any unusual. It is as normal to me as breathing. But I haven’t written you this because of sudden urge to write or anything like that but maybe I just wanted to tell you it’s fine here and maybe you have to continue living the same way as well. Without me being around and bothering you with questions any more. I saw you the other day. I was blank about my situation, not because I didn’t have anything to say to you but maybe because the fear that exists inside me, the fear of leaving myself in a situation og extremity of guilt and sadness. The fear that maybe I’ll tell you everything that I’ve been doing in my life without even realizing you no longer exist. I wanted to talk about it not because it was you but because I always wanted you to be better person.
I always prayed for the best of things for you and then why you kept choosing others over me? I guess maybe I was weak enough to let you know that you would’ve had made stars rumble with your thoughts and maybe you were just so strong to hold onto things. What made you so weak? What made you kneel down to the circumstances you’ve been facing? I choked me from inside to see you this way and maybe that’s why I left without saying a single word. Because I was so tired of saving you every time putting my self-esteem in a position I no longer left as I existed.
When I saw you that day I didn’t see someone I knew. I saw someone I shared my childhood dreams and hangout places and even my deepest of fears. I saw someone who was strong enough to fall for someone else but wasn’t strong enough to save everything else from falling. What changed? Me, you? Maybe I changed and left the situations as it is. But I tried didn’t I? or I just showed you my back like everyone else did. Well I’m no good for you than if I showed you my back without telling you I would’ve have had taken a stand if you just did one thing right and that was not giving up on yourself. Well it’s time now. For us to say a goodbye for another meeting like this when we’ll have so many things to say but our expressions will say a different story altogether. Because for me it’s not just talking. It’s like telling you everything all over again assuming that it will be fine. But it won’t be fine. It won’t. I won’t say a word because I’m too weak to give out everything and assume that it wasn’t there in the first place ever. How can I do that? How can I just pretend not to exist anymore. Well maybe I kept on doing this for a long time. “this not exist anymore” thing. ”

*sighs* He took this letter. I don’t know where. Maybe a place he always kept these things. But you know everything happens for a reason in your life. Your friend, your family, your loved ones, everyone leaves. And if you close your eyes and think all you have is you. But sometimes we get people who are worth giving up your life for. Like not dying for them, but maybe sharing all your life with them. Love is something undeniably strong and when it gets hard you can trust on those people that can give up their life for you. But if you ever lose their presence just make sure you tried everything that you would’ve had to save what you had and then LET IT GO. You won’t find them I’m sure but you won’t miss them when they are gone. And to all those people I’ve let down, trust me I tried. But you didn’t realize it. I’m sorry. And for those who are with me till now, trust me I won’t leave without giving my soul out to you all.

“Do you remember how much I cried?
When school days were so long and I was tired,
Remember How sorry I was to let you down,
do you even notice this old town?
Hey, its fine trust me,
I’m just a goddamn tragedy,
But hey I said you not to leave,
then why you left my hand and gave me a grief,
Once there was a friend of mine,
who was as bright as sunshine,
but something happens between us,
and the kingdom was broken with pieces of trust.”

Urge.

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How you make yourself believe in a lie,

Can’t you just let it untie?

Look, there’s a better place to go,

Why you keep on dying in this snow?

Saw that reflection of you in her eye?

Or just a feeling of a cold goodbye?

This urge to live a life,

This urge to see myself strive,

I love the musings that you say me all night,

But maybe it’s time to give up the fight.

 

“Aren’t you doing anything on her birthday this year?” Asked his friend.

No response from the other side.

“Hey? Are you there?” Came from the same person.

“Yeah. Well I don’t know. I’ll see to that. Well,I’m off to sleep. Take care.” He said hanging up the phone.

A picture with her as his wallpaper told a different story altogether.

“Dear you,

It’s the last page of the 365 pages I’ve written till now. Ironically it’s been a year since we last had a conversation. Yeah, it was your birthday when we talked. I mean I was talking. This year’s going to be different. Will it be? Yeah you were right I’ll be missing you the moment you left. But I never thought it will change me like this. The urge. The willingness to hear you when nobody else is listening. The urge to see you when you’ve surrounded yourself by walls of people you’ve met. The urge to hear it from you, about how worthless your feelings are about boys and how your emotions change with person to person. The urge to feel your smell when the world has lost all its senses to feel anything. To touch the parts of your scarred body that you keep hiding from the world and to tell you how beautiful they look in the glowing moonlight. The urge to see you everyday for the rest of the days that I have left on this planet. The urge to save you from drowning and help you sail out of the storm that you keep dragging yourself into everytime you run into someone new. The urge to write to ¬†you everyday and tell you how important you’ve been till now and how you’ve managed to pull out the buttons inside me that I thought never existed in the first place. I might not be with you all the time but this urge to be with you without being around you drives me crazy in the middle of the night. It tells me to grab you and never let you go again. Like you’ve been a piece of me. A day without hearing things from you feels like a millennium of infinities. Where I find myself lost. Where I don’t know how and what to say to myself. When the only thing I had was you and you took that thing away from me. The long conversations that dried and eventually perished away from my life kind of ¬†hurt me. It just hurts not to see you but hear everything about you. It hurts trying to catch a cloud which just evades from my clenches and fades away. It just like hoping for a ship to come at an airport I guess. Your love made me do things. Your love that was just enough to make me feel like I’m the one for you. Your love that urged me to kiss you slow in the middle of the night. Your love that made me live a life with you. Your love that made me a father, a brother, a sister, a mother and a child. Your love which made me look into your eyes and see my little packets of forevers. Your love, that was just enough to make a stupid boy, a sensible man.

I know it’s your birthday today. But I know I won’t be sending you any of this. It’s been 365 days. Now I guess this urge is changed to a desperate need. But it has always been that “just enough to let you go with someone else in front of my eyes” kind of thing. I know you are fine. I just know that, my love.”

He takes all those pages. Bundles them and burns them. Maybe love stories look better in burnt ashes of little infinities that you live by closing your tired eyes every night. Maybe love stories are just musings that a fortune teller tells to those who keep on searching for it.

Rivers that flow inside your heart,

Rivers that bring a devastating drought,

How a rain inside your mind,

Brings chaos with a pretty chime.

The urge that makes me pray this time,

To feel it all once again with a sad rhyme,

The end comes before the beginning,

Then why am I still trying?

Shhh.. let them guess my love,

Let them feel this urge.

Mirror

 

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“Haven’t you seen his smile?
Which he always tries to hide,
Haven’t you seen his glowing eye?
Which dims every time you pass by,
Aren’t you fond of love stories he asked,
Now he keeps on saying love stories are totally masked,
What changed him so much said his mirror,
who takes away the stars that glitter,
Why he tries to hide this pain,
I wish he loved someone like this once again.

“I don’t think this is working out, I mean why you keep on acting like the most
possessive boyfriend. I keep on telling you to give me space and all you do is act
weird every time you see me out with someone.” she said in a hurried voice.
“but..” he said rather hesitatingly.
“What but?! I know you won’t say anything .This is what you do every time. End it please.
there is no point dragging something unnecessarily.” she said.
“I was not..” he said and before he could complete his sentence the phone hung up.

He was all numb. It was happening all over again. The torture of having another
unsuccessful relationship. Like every time he went there it was same again. Same
feelings, same reasons but different people.  It became a habit of giving his share of
everything and getting mere nothingness from the other side.

He tried again and again but failed. With life, with people and with emotions. So
he wrote a letter to god and gave it to the priest that sat in the temple. He believed
god could help him out this time. He went to the priest and told him about his
letter. The priest agreed to convey his message to god. He knew he would never have
anything in return but he wrote so that he could let things out of his head.

“Dear god,
There are plenty of things I would’ve had thought of but the only thing that
gets my mind is emotions. How every time I ruin things because of these emotions. So
I want you to grant me a wish. Not being a millionaire or having all the luxuries of
world but to be a mirror. Yes a mirror. So that I could reflect other people’s emotions.
So that I don’t have to show her my emotion every time she looks at me or talks to me. So
that I could listen to all her thoughts and queries and still don’t fall for her or
feel anything specific about her. I want to be a mirror because I want to sit there
and look at her and feel how she feels. To cry with her not to cry for her. To look
at her and see that she is already looking at me. So that she can’t leave me. So
that she isn’t bored of me. I want to show her all her emotions. I want to love like
her,cry like her and feel like her. To be her other half that she looks upon every time
she is happy or she is sad. To feel her smile after her first kiss or feel her eyes after she
loses something that means a lot to her. To be there for her even if she never notices me.
To be her other part without letting her sense my presence. To watch her say silly things
about her and laugh with her. To know about her fears and about her favourite song.
To see her in every way and still be there for her without falling for her. I want you to
let me be a mirror so that I can see her the way she looks at her.”

The priest never saw him again so that he could tell him his letter was somewhere lost in
the temple. But the priest will never know what happened to the boy. Will he?

“Try a bit this time,
And tell her “YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE”,
Because she will never know,
And she will never even show,
You have to tell her the stories you write,
and how your world becomes so bright.
To hold her without touching her,
That’s why I want to be a mirror,
Mirror to see her face,
so that I could watch her beautiful grace.