A friend of mine.

81b37afc9b0f95e85cccf333ca81f919--guy-quotes-friend-quotesA friend of mine.
Friendships are the bonds that break,
but is it all what friendships take?
I mean look at the things you had,
but now it’s all gloomy and sad,
the thoughts you had yesterday,
and the thoughts you have everyday,
will they ever fade away,
like the promises that turned to silvery gray,
A friend of mine was there with me,
A friend that I no longer see,
A friend of mine with whom childhood was spent,
A friend of mine that was just like a portion’s sweet scent.

A letter to someone with whom I’ve spent my entire childhood once but we don’t hang up nowadays. It’s been 30 years. 30 years ago I left my school and all the fond memories just faded away with the swift breeze of air.
“Hey how long it’s been right? Like millions of years without a home to stay in and no destination to go to. “How are you? and where are you?” all these questions haunted me for years but now it’s all normal for me I guess. This empty feeling has been there for so long I no longer feel it any unusual. It is as normal to me as breathing. But I haven’t written you this because of sudden urge to write or anything like that but maybe I just wanted to tell you it’s fine here and maybe you have to continue living the same way as well. Without me being around and bothering you with questions any more. I saw you the other day. I was blank about my situation, not because I didn’t have anything to say to you but maybe because the fear that exists inside me, the fear of leaving myself in a situation og extremity of guilt and sadness. The fear that maybe I’ll tell you everything that I’ve been doing in my life without even realizing you no longer exist. I wanted to talk about it not because it was you but because I always wanted you to be better person.
I always prayed for the best of things for you and then why you kept choosing others over me? I guess maybe I was weak enough to let you know that you would’ve had made stars rumble with your thoughts and maybe you were just so strong to hold onto things. What made you so weak? What made you kneel down to the circumstances you’ve been facing? I choked me from inside to see you this way and maybe that’s why I left without saying a single word. Because I was so tired of saving you every time putting my self-esteem in a position I no longer left as I existed.
When I saw you that day I didn’t see someone I knew. I saw someone I shared my childhood dreams and hangout places and even my deepest of fears. I saw someone who was strong enough to fall for someone else but wasn’t strong enough to save everything else from falling. What changed? Me, you? Maybe I changed and left the situations as it is. But I tried didn’t I? or I just showed you my back like everyone else did. Well I’m no good for you than if I showed you my back without telling you I would’ve have had taken a stand if you just did one thing right and that was not giving up on yourself. Well it’s time now. For us to say a goodbye for another meeting like this when we’ll have so many things to say but our expressions will say a different story altogether. Because for me it’s not just talking. It’s like telling you everything all over again assuming that it will be fine. But it won’t be fine. It won’t. I won’t say a word because I’m too weak to give out everything and assume that it wasn’t there in the first place ever. How can I do that? How can I just pretend not to exist anymore. Well maybe I kept on doing this for a long time. “this not exist anymore” thing. ”

*sighs* He took this letter. I don’t know where. Maybe a place he always kept these things. But you know everything happens for a reason in your life. Your friend, your family, your loved ones, everyone leaves. And if you close your eyes and think all you have is you. But sometimes we get people who are worth giving up your life for. Like not dying for them, but maybe sharing all your life with them. Love is something undeniably strong and when it gets hard you can trust on those people that can give up their life for you. But if you ever lose their presence just make sure you tried everything that you would’ve had to save what you had and then LET IT GO. You won’t find them I’m sure but you won’t miss them when they are gone. And to all those people I’ve let down, trust me I tried. But you didn’t realize it. I’m sorry. And for those who are with me till now, trust me I won’t leave without giving my soul out to you all.

“Do you remember how much I cried?
When school days were so long and I was tired,
Remember How sorry I was to let you down,
do you even notice this old town?
Hey, its fine trust me,
I’m just a goddamn tragedy,
But hey I said you not to leave,
then why you left my hand and gave me a grief,
Once there was a friend of mine,
who was as bright as sunshine,
but something happens between us,
and the kingdom was broken with pieces of trust.”



Screenshot_20170815-195249_1Does this heart keeps on breaking?

Because my love is still in the making.

This fear of being honest,

This fear of not being the best.

How can we ever look at each other,

When we are lost in our own forever.

I’m never going to  this place,

I’m leaving away no trace.

The nights are too Long,  I’m honest,

I’m putting my love to a test.

Today I’m feeling emoirous,

I’m feeling emoirous. ”

*Phone rings*

“Hello?” he said.

“Hey! Guess who. ” she said in a happy voice.

“I’m too weak in this guessing game, speak up.” he said in a cranky voice.

“Idiot it’s me. How long you take to pick up the call. Never mind I have a big surprise for you. I’m in a relationship.” she said.

“Rela.. What?! I’m so happy for you. So when you both are meeting?” he said while trying to hide his emotions.

“I’ll tell you everything. Let’s meet today at the park. I have a lot to tell you.” she said happily.

“Sure I’ll catch up.”he said.

*phone hung up*

” Wow. And I was planing to tell her I started feeling something about her. Well I guess it’s not meant to be maybe. What can I do for her. Well… I’ll write her a letter. That will do.” he said to himself.

First time.

Hey it’s me. Remember we both always ended up fighting because I kept on talking about girls. You always knew me better than anyone else. And I always told you to wait for the right time. Maybe it has arrived for you. When you finally feel your first time. When you do get to know something called weird feeling. When you do everything yet it feels like you did nothing at all. All I wanted to say is I hope your first time feels like there’s nothing like losing someone. I hope your first time gives you a feeling of a lifetime where you can cherish every sense of emotion. I wish your first time gives you a whole amusement park not just a roller coaster. I hope when you hold hands you feel like he is the one. I hope when you both kiss you feel every emotion running through your mouth. I hope when you laugh you laugh like you laugh when you are with me. I hope you share everything to him like you do with me. I hope you dance your way through the trees holding hands. I hope you jump in the rain and you fight with each other like kids do. I hope your first time feels like nothing but love. When you hold on to everything when nothing falls into piece. When you fall asleep in his arms and he looks at you like I did with a smile on my face. I recall once you said we can end up together. But I was always afraid of losing you. I still I’m. I can’t let you go because you became a whole journey in my life. I’ve never been such high with my emotions, but I do feel that when I talk to you. I can’t lose you because I’m vulnerable. I can’t let go when I love and I don’t want you to go. That’s why I didn’t fall in love with you. I can’t let your first relationship be with someone who is too afraid to lose you. Who isn’t even sure how to love. I can’t afford to make you cry because of me. I can make your dreams come true but I can’t ruin your dreams with a truth. I can hold your hand the entire night but I can’t let go of it for a single second. I can fall for you but I won’t let you fall for someone like me. I can be your Armour but I cant let you lose because of me. I can be your shadow but I won’t let you notice me. You should fall for someone who doesn’t fall for you because only then you’ll realize how worth your first time is. I hope you can cross oceans without me. In case you don’t I’ll be you sail and help you out till the end. I don’t know what the future holds. Maybe we get along laying beside each other. But right now I’m running and I can’t make you run with me. I want you to have someone stable with whom you can call yourself to be home. Someone who can make you feel weird and beautiful. And someone with whom you can die in peace with.


Your other half.      ”


“Hey did we make it the other way?

Or we just kept our sails a stay.

Hey did we fall in love?

Or we just flew away like a dove.

This life is always too long without you.

The days so dark and the nights all blue.

Tell me your stories I’m waiting,

Tell me how to love, I can’t keep dreaming.



The wait which tends to be so long,
The gods keep on singing the same song,
Broken pieces which aren’t ever found.
which keep me making that sad sound.
Aren’t you coming back now?
Are you going to bow?
Aren’t you taking me with you?
We promised to make our world all brand new.
This dysphoria gives me such vibes,
This dysphoria keeps me awake all night.
Thinking about you,
Trying to make this dream come true.

“Hey are you not going to jump in?” a voice came from a recorded audio.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’ll always stay with you.” Another recording that comes up with a fimiliar voice.
“You don’t understand, I love you?” *phone hangs up.*
“Are you crying?” with a child like voice from one more audio.
“What are you doing this late?” came a voice from behind.
“Nothing dad just..” he said quickly wiping his tears.
“Go to sleep right now.” In a loud voice.
“Yes, dad going.” he said with a smile.
As he lays down. He covers himself with a pillow. He starts crying. No one in the world knows why. He always ends up crying at night when the world is far asleep and all you hear is ticking of the clock. There’s silence around him. The silence that makes noises that threatens his conscience. Silence that bangs his eardrums.
As he sat down on his bed with a sigh, there was a knock on his window. There was someone outside. It was a full moon night and it felt like there was a girl.
He opened up his window. She jumped onto him.
“Happy friendship day!” she said holding him as tight as ever.
“But wh” he couldn’t complete his sentence.
“Shhh, let’s go out first.” she said holding his hand.
He jumped from his window to the rooftops. He was right beside her. As close as he wanted her to be.
“Why are you looking at me?” she said with a confused expression.
“Why can’t I look at you.” he said with smile.
“Look at the moon, it’s much more beautiful than I can ever be” she said looking at the moon.
“Well even thousand moons can’t match your beauty” he said.
“Oh, how come?” she said.
“And you ask me how come the moon can’t match the beauty you have. Well moon can’t sing like you do. Full of irrelevant words and ruined beats. Moon can’t smile at me like you do. Moon can’t fall in love with things like you do. Moon can’t talk to me. Moon can’t hold me. Moon stands there life less and you full of life. “he said looking at the moon.
“But Moon is eternal. Moon is there and will always be there. Moon has watched stories and life of millions of people. Moon knows so many stories. Stories that you can’t ever think of.” she said looking at him.
And he opens up his eyes. He was back to the real world again. With that unwell feeling. Where she no longer exists. Where moon still remains eternal, but she’s gone.
He goes to the roof top.
“Hey. I miss you where you are. Talk to me” A voice memo. It plays on repeat. It repeats everynight. It repeats everytime he misses her.
He stands in front of the mirror trying to look at himself and feel her touch on his skin. He takes long showers and sits there thinking about the day when he forgot his umbrella and they shared it back to their home. Trying to feel it once more.
“Take my hand. We are almost there.” she said.
“There, where? he said.
“Wait a bit” she said holding a cover on his eyes.
“We are here! My favourite place in this small town. Where we can see the moon and the sun at the same time during the dawn.” she said smiling like a kid.
He whispers “I love you.” But no one there to listen to him.
“You said something?” said asked.
“Yeah. This place looks amazing.” he said.
Holding each others hand at that moment it felt like forever. It felt like it won’t come to an end. But it did. The moment, the places and what was left was haunting memories.
This unwell feeling it never loses its hold on him.
“Come back!” he wrote to her.
“Happy friendship day” is a message that flashed on her screen a year later.

“If I lose myself tonight,
Will you come and hold me tight.
The lines on my hand,
I hope they cut in a way I’ll be the one for you
I’m taking a stand,
for something I’m always going to lose.
This feeling of dysphoria,
Can it be my Euphoria?


IMG_20170327_230531_007.jpgThe cluster of letters in her name,
made an Eutony so great,
I guess it’s love to blame,
and her eyes what a threat,
that robbed my soul,
like a talisman so sweet,
Did we reach our final goal?
Or we lost sight of our fleet?
Eutony her name was so great,
Eutony her name will be
Forever engraved.
“Did you ever meet her again?” asked the small child.
“No my son, I guess things you love are the things that are the farthest from you own reach.” said the man.
“But why did you both parted your ways grandpa?”said the small child with a blank expression.
“We didn’t part our ways my dear. I just opened the cage she was suffocating in. I couldn’t see her in broken wings. She was meant to fly high in the skies, I set her free so that she comes back to me whenever she wants to.” old man said with a smile.
“But what let you love her so much?” asked the child.
“Do you love your god?” he said.
“course I do.” child smiled.
“How much?” he asked.
“This much” he said stretching his hands as much as he can.”But what god has to do with love grandpa?” child asked innocently.
“Don’t tell anyone your grandma had power of gods aswell. Her voice made people love her, and her eyes were like pearls. She was so graceful when she stood ,like everyone else disappeared from the room. She did magic. She spellbound me. I couldn’t see anyone when she was around me. She held me in her arms like she’ll never let me go. Every breath she took while she was sleeping was so mystical to me. I lost myself in her. She took all my broken pieces and made it hers.” he said with tears in his eyes.
“Grandpa why are you crying? Don’t cry please.” child said in a sad voice.
” No my child I’m not crying. These tears bring down happiness that I hold inside my heart.” he said wiping his tears.
“Do you still miss her?” child asked with hesitation.
“I do. I miss her like earth misses the moon. I miss her like summer misses the rain. I miss her like an orphan misses his parents. I miss her with all my heart, with every tear in my eyes and with every ounce of emotion that’s engraved inside my soul. I miss her fights and I miss her scoldings. I miss her ignoring my presence and I miss talking to her about nothing. I miss eating with her, and holding her. I miss her eyes that called my name in the morning and I miss us counting the stars. I miss running with her to our nowhere, and I miss the eutony in her name. I just miss her every time.” he said with a sigh.
Child hugged him tightly.”I also miss grandma.” holding his grandpa.

” They way she stood down the hallway,
I was watching her coming close to me today,
But ask she passed by me without saying a word,
I could sense my heart hitting a sword.
I wanted to kiss her slow,
But I didn’t want to let her go.
I want to keep her close,
but I didn’t want to cut her lose.
I wanted to keep her within,
But all I did was loving her doing a sin.

All over again.


“Get over her. She’s just a girl. Many will come.” his friend said patting on his shoulder.
“Yeah she is JUST A GIRL.” he said with a smile.
“Am I saying something wrong?”his friend asked.
“NO did I say anything?” he said in a frustrated voice.
“Say then speak it out.” his friend said with a smile.
“You say move on? Move on from what? Lies,memories,broken promises, future planning, laughs, shared clothing, wild dreams, late night counting stars? Move on from what child like faces, running and jumping around,holding hands,kissing her forehead,loving her? She already did move on a long time ago. I remember her say I will be the one who will last longer in this relationship. Where is she now? All she gave me is lasting memories that will haunt me for a long time and a lasting voice that will eat up all the thoughts that I had, which will be questioning me, and my potential. Which will just leave me in silence for a little longer. I feel numb sometimes, not because I’ve seen to much of it but because every time I break I have to start all over again. By picking myself and dragging all those scattered pieces hoping for someone to come and help me joining them in perfect match and then breaking it again. I say moving on isn’t tough. What’s tough is holding on to those tiny specs of hopes that Rome in the darkness of your thoughts like fireflies. What’s tough is hearing your voice everyday and still trying not to love you anymore, What’s tough is acting like I don’t know you anymore and be fine with who I’m. What’s tough is being me again when all I was told was I’m more of you and less of me. I fixed you right? I reminded you of things that you love then why you hate me now? Why everyone says move on and why not hold on? Why we say you will find someone better when You know what’s best for you. Why people lie to each other and give each other false hopes about how life is so good on the other side. Why people don’t say “Hey stay there for her she needs you or Hey hold on she will come back soon”. Why can people who love each other never end up being together? Why we have to start all over again? From the beginning. We started with a wild-fire and ended up in ashes, being so vulnerable that slightest of winds blows away our hopes. Why I have to plan everything with someone else all over again when I know I won’t ever plan anything like I did it with you. Why it’s so tough to hold on? Why can’t we just be on each other’s side for the rest of our lives loving like kids and caring like grownups. Why we built castles of hopes on clouds of miseries? Why we become to sure about it not breaking like everything else. Why we always hope others to pick us up? Why is she not here to listen to all this? Why all she said was some words filled with utter hatred which she never meant to say and why I lost a small piece of me with every word that came out of her talking mouth. Why I have to start from the end again to write a new beginning? Why is she the only place that is the coldest yet the warmest place where my heart resides? I don’t want to start all over again. I want to feel the pain of watching her go in front of my eyes. I want her to see how much I want her. Maybe she will feel that I’m too weak to move on but maybe I’m just to strong to hold on. Hold on to those words that she uttered while being happy, holding on to her eyes that catch every falling breath of mine. I don’t want to start all over again just because I want to forget her. I don’t want to start all over again just to show her I can do it. I don’t want to start all over again because my world stops revolving around the galaxies of infinite possibilities and endless emotions when she isn’t around. Tell me it’s worth it won’t you? Tell me more reasons to give up and I’ll tell you twice as many to live it up to you cuz I don’t want it all over again. ” he said with a sigh.
“If I was her I would’ve had kept you forever.” his friend said poking him.
“yeah.” he smiled.