I feel this silence,
I feel your violence,
I see your eye ball,
I see you rise and fall,
But did you ever see me there?
Did you ever watch my flare?
I feel like I’m fading in your blues,
I feel like I’m drowning with no clues,
Watch me burn tonight,
But please be there by my side.
” DEAR DIARY,
It’s been a long time since I wrote you the last time. And you know when I write to you it’s about her everytime. And if I just re read everything I’ve written it’s just her in here. The way she never was. The way I imagined her to be. But today it’s about someone she never saw. It’s about me. Someone she hardly looked upon. Someone who never really had a chance to say anything. I think its time to let her know. Don’t you think so?
I tried. Didn’t I? Then why didn’t I get my chances? Like everyone else had. To meet her, to be with her or to just talk to her. Why didn’t I get to say all the things I want to say to her. Maybe because I don’t stand a chance. Or maybe I’m not sure about my love. The things I’ve lost in order to get to her are uncountable. But the one thing I’ll always regret losing is my self esteem. Which I put on line everytime just to get an inch closer to her. But what I get? Utter silence. I hate when people look at me like they want something from me that I can never give. I hate it when I feel so helplessly insecure just to say my feelings to someone. Why I’m made this way? Lost, uncertain, unpredictable and full of untold feelings. I see expectations and hopes that keep on crumbling infront of my eyes. I want her to notice my existence. I want to see how it feels to be wanted by someone. They say you try and try till you succeed. Is that false in case of love and relationships? We try and try single handedly and someone else comes and breaks away every brick of your dream castle. It takes years and years to try and build a castle where we can live our life together and it gets demolished by nothing but few wind currents? Why people keep looking around for something when everything is right infront of them? Why they can’t just say what’s on their mind to make it easy for someone like me who just waits and waits for the right moment to come but it never does.
This dairy written by me belongs more to her than it every did to me. From day one I wrote about how it felt and how it was never me and her. But the look in her eyes still says a different story. The stormy days and windy nights vanish when I look in her eyes. Her idea of life is completely different. We believe in love with a different ending. We love differently and we see things differently but do different things ever make a perfectly mismatched beautiful love story?
I won’t write to you my dear dairy. I won’t write now. Because these words should go to the place where they belong. To her. I hope she writes to you like I did.
But hey it was nice to have you. At least you listened to my side of the love story. Now go see how it happens on her side of this story. It’s time. But do tell her in the longest of nights I always remembered her calling my name with no perfection and yet falling in love with her in the most perfect way.
I hope she wrote her side of story. But will these stories ever get another half? I don’t think so. We try in our own different ways. We see a different ending. And we love in a different way. The ones who love each other aren’t “made for each other” but they actually “make one another”. I believe your side of the story is interesting too. Will you write it for me? I’m interested to know.
“I took a deep breath,
As another night buried me into deep depth,
Will you give me your hand?
Will you take a stand?
I don’t want you to love me anymore,
I just want you to feel me to the core,
Hold me and never let me go,
I feel cold in this white falling snow,
Your tender touch can make me feel the world,
But will you come and help me move forward?