Normal?

2d365938e19cf3b849757b1f11086fd1And they tell you things,
Things you don’t want to hear,
and they whisper about you,
open away your fear.
You fall through you insecurities,
But let me tell this straight and right,
You don’t have to hear them,
Because they aren’t the ones in the fight.
They’ll say things behind your back,
And things in front of you,
You’ll get away with this phase,
Believe me it’s true.
So if they say “You’re normal”,
just act like one,
If they say “You’re common”,
Just hear them and outcast everyone.

“I’ve seen her silent and quiet. Sometimes in pain and sometimes with a bright smile. You know there is this thing about her. She talks like normal girls about weird things she likes or dislikes. She talks to her friends like she doesn’t even care. She is silent at times like a winter morning or she is violent like a storm of a rainy season. But she is normal. At least I think she is. I mean like she doesn’t drive me crazy at times. Nor she gets mad at me every time I do something wrong. She acts like she doesn’t even get bothered at times. She takes away things she likes. Then why she keeps me distant from her most of the time? I don’t even know if she gets me going at times or not. But she is not the one in the romantic movies you know. Not the tomboy kind of girl. She isn’t rowdy or arrogant but I guess she is possessive. The way she sits with grace that does get my attention. I don’t know the way it goes but there’s something about her. She doesn’t have a big wardrobe or collection of shoes with her. But sometimes she dresses so normally that is looks beautiful. Sometimes, she sits and stares at things. Like they are some sort of art piece. I don’t even know what goes inside her mind at times. She gets angry and doesn’t speak a word. You have to cuddle her up and hold her close to you. And if you fail to do so you are in a big trouble I know. You will definitely not try to look in her eyes when she talks about the things she love. I bet you’ll fall a bit for her at that time. But trust me she’s normal. She fights and tries at times, but makes excuses to run away from her problems as well. The way she looks like a hunter at you when you talk to someone else will definitely freak you out trust me. But the sorry face she makes when she has done something wrong can melt any glaciers of the world. Maybe one of the reasons of global warming I suppose. But she is normal. She is someone you can spend your whole life with without any regrets or hesitations. She’s a different normal. A kind that occurs in every one of us. We believe in love stories and orchestras but at times it’s all silent and you have to search for it. You have to engrave her from bits and pieces and then she might become your valuable art piece. You can spend a lifetime for her but she will always act like she doesn’t care. And you will always have to hold onto her. Win fights for her and sometimes tease her as well. But again I’ll say she is normal. The kind of normal you will love to keep for the rest of your life.

And mom You’ll love to meet her. And please don’t mention any of this on our wedding day. P.S. She is the one for me.

Meet you soon.”

What if this isn’t the time to give up?
If our love story Isn’t heaven made,
will you try to sort things out?
or will you just evade?
I don’t know how hard will it be,
I don’t know how far I can see,
But with you it’s all calm and clear around,
and with you it all feels safe and sound.

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Kairos.

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I feel this silence,

I feel your violence,

I see your eye ball,

I see you rise and fall,

But did you ever see me there?

Did you ever watch my flare?

I feel like I’m fading in your blues,

I feel like I’m drowning with no clues,

Watch me burn tonight,

But please be there by my side.

” DEAR DIARY,

It’s been a long time since I wrote you the last time. And you know when I write to you it’s about her everytime. And if I just re read everything I’ve written it’s just her in here. The way she never was. The way I imagined her to be. But today it’s about someone she never saw. It’s about me. Someone she hardly looked upon. Someone who never really had a chance to say anything. I think its time to let her know. Don’t you think so?

I tried. Didn’t I? Then why didn’t I get my chances? Like everyone else had. To meet her, to be with her or to just talk to her. Why didn’t I get to say all the things I want to say to her. Maybe because I don’t stand a chance. Or maybe I’m not sure about my love. The things I’ve lost in order to get to her are uncountable. But the one thing I’ll always regret losing is my self esteem. Which I put on line everytime just to get an inch closer to her. But what I get? Utter silence. I hate when people look at me like they want something from me that I can never give. I hate it when I feel so helplessly insecure just to say my feelings to someone. Why I’m made this way? Lost, uncertain, unpredictable and full of untold feelings. I see expectations and hopes that keep on crumbling infront of my eyes. I want her to notice my existence. I want to see how it feels to be wanted by someone. They say you try and try till you succeed. Is that false in case of love and relationships? We try and try single handedly and someone else comes and breaks away every brick of your dream castle. It takes years and years to try and build a castle where we can live our life together and it gets demolished by nothing but few wind currents? Why people keep looking around for something when everything is right infront of them? Why they can’t just say what’s on their mind to make it easy for someone like me who just waits and waits for the right moment to come but it never does.

This dairy written by me belongs more to her than it every did to me. From day one I wrote about how it felt and how it was never me and her. But the look in her eyes still says a different story. The stormy days and windy nights vanish when I look in her eyes. Her idea of life is completely different. We believe in love with a different ending. We love differently and we see things differently but do different things ever make a perfectly mismatched beautiful love story?

I won’t write to you my dear dairy. I won’t write now. Because these words should go to the place where they belong. To her. I hope she writes to you like I did.

But hey it was nice to have you. At least you listened to my side of the love story. Now go see how it happens on her side of this story. It’s time. But do tell her in the longest of nights I always remembered her calling my name with no perfection and yet falling in love with her in the most perfect way.

With love,

Me.  ”

I hope she wrote her side of story. But will these stories ever get another half? I don’t think so. We try in our own different ways. We see a different ending. And we love in a different way. The ones who love each other aren’t “made for each other” but they actually “make one another”. I believe your side of the story is interesting too. Will you write it for me? I’m interested to know.

 

“I took a deep breath,

As another night buried me into deep depth,

Will you give me your hand?

Will you take a stand?

I don’t want you to love me anymore,

I just want you to feel me to the core,

Hold me and never let me go,

I feel cold in this white falling snow,

Your tender touch can make me feel the world,

But will you come and help me move forward?

Remember me? 


The trails of your wandering,

The paths that I kept on running, 

The wars we fought together, 

And the battle we lost for forever, 

Did I loose this fight long ago, 

Or I was just letting you pace and go, 

How silly I was to let you not see, 

But hey,  do you still remember me? 
“Why?! Why are you leaving!”, a voice from a boy was  filling  the silence of the corridors. 

“Wait!  Let me atleast ask the reason of you leaving me like this.” the voice in much more panic.

“At least say something!”, and the black shadow like body disappeared. 

“Wake up! You sleepy head. You are already late for your first day at the new office.” said his roommate almost kicking him out of his bed. 

“Wait I’m awake. ” he said in a cranky voice. 

“Yeah again the same dream. But why does it keep on haunting me. It’s been months since I had my breakup. But..” he was talking to himself but before completing the sentence a voice came from behind.

“Again talking to yourself. Why I’m even living with you!” roommate shouting.

“I’m going office. I’ll take my breakfast there itself. ”  he said emotionless. 

“And what about the things I’ve made for your first day?” roommate questioned back. 

“OK serve it. I’ll just take a shower till then. ” he said.

In the office,

“Well place looks good.  ” he said to himself. 

“Hey? New employee?” a voice came from behind. 

“Yeah. Can you tell me where’s cabin no. 216.” he said with a genuine smile.  

” Yeah right there. ” the man said. 

As he was filled with new emotions and excitement. A sense of bad omen came. He kept his bag on his desk and started his day’s work. But as he was indulged in it an aroma came by. The same his girlfriend had on. He turned back. The same black hair to whom he was entangled when he saw her first. The same white shirt she had on which she wore on her first date and the same old smile. She was a disaster to his fragile heart. 

“Did she see me. Ofcourse she didn’t else she would’ve had said a hi. Come on!  Why she’ll say a hi. But she was looking pretty as usual . Pretty you idiot she was looking beautiful. But what now?  What should I say to her? Should I talk or should I just let it be. Wait no! She is going like she did the first time. I choked and she left thinking I was not strong enough to stop her.  But I can’t do this again. ” he said to himself and millions of thoughts came engulfing his mind. He was all red. He was breathing fast. 

He got up. 

“What on earth are you doing on the first day of your office?!  What,I’m listening to you. Me?!  Who?  You my heart. Let’s see what happens. But wait! What if she says a no. What if she says she hates you?  Are you fine with it?  Yes I’m. At least I’ll have an answer to my questions. I miss her. I can’t do this without her. I want to listen it from her. I want her to be honest. I can’t see her leave because I gave her all the reasons to stay.  I want to tell her how important this is for me. ” he said to himself wiping his tears off. 

“Hey!” he said. 

The girl stopped and stood right there. It was like the world stopped for the moment. Like nothing else could replace it. Like it was their moment. She turned with red face and teary eyes. 

“Remember me? ” he said with a smile and she was in tears. 

“And then it was their moment,

Like nothing else was meant, 

How fast they caught up with each other, 

How love lasts unlike any other, 

But these memories are a place you find me always, 

Because all these are different phase, 

But don’t forget me so that I can set you free, 

For everytime you forget I’ll say “Hey do you remember me? “

Moon and Earth.

Do you still feel the distance? 

Or you are just denying my existence.

You are my love and my essence,

But I no longer feel your presence,

There’s no denying of our memories so fond, 

But did we break an unbreakable bond? 

Lazy nights we struggled to get up,

But these nights I’m always up, 

I can’t sleep because of this distance, 

I can’t sleep with you denying my existence. 

“Hey earth I miss you.” moon said smiling at the lit Earth? 

“Why you miss me? When you see my everyday? ” earth said annoyed. 

“I miss you because we’ve been so distant all this time even though I see you everyday , I miss you everytime I see you. ” moon said smiling. 

“What amuses you so much that you are constantly smiling at me? ” Earth said in a frustrated tone.

“You are so beautiful. I wish I was with you. To hold you because we’ve been together for eternities, watching each other grow and eventually we were in love with each other. We always promised to meet but this distance never shortens. I could feel heaven and hell between us even though we look at each other every day.  We promise to meet tomorrow but tomorrow never comes.  I see you come and I see you go.  You go leaving me for days when we don’t see each other and then there are days when we tell each others stories and we stay awake the entire night talking and looking at each other.  Love demands attention but love demands love as well. I want to tell you how much this longing kills me whenever I don’t see you for days. I want to be right next to you so that you make me feel your warmth and never make me feel I’m alone in the galaxy of wonders and stars. How empty I feel in the void of endless possibilities without you. I miss you and will always miss you because I can always tell you how much I love you but  I can never show you that.  I feel so distant because I can’t touch you and hold you like lovers do. Can we ever be one? ” moon said in a sad voice. 

“Do you know that in this universe of everything and anything we are the ones that stayed together and it’s you that completes me apart from all the things that define me. I’m incomplete without you and with every day and every second that passes in this universe our tales are told at distant places. Because without its moon Earth is always alone. I can exist without you but I don’t want to.  I can do everything without you but I want you to be there and never let me be alone. I want you to make me wait for days and then show up so that I can tell you my thoughts for nights. We stay awake and talk about things and all the secrets we’ve had. We always have things to talk because we love each other and even though we have seen all the different ways to be distant we love the distance between each other. The distance makes us earth and moon. This distance makes us who we are. Even though we keep on waiting for the day when we meet but I guess we are better the way we truly are. Because I love you more when I miss you. I love you more when I see you after long days and starry night when you aren’t around.  I love you when you come in different shapes. I love the way you are and I’ll always love you till time exists or till the universe persists. ” said the Earth with a smile. 

Another night passed with they both telling how much they loved each other.  And here I sat on my terrace and listened them making love. Always thinking how true lovers never meet in real. How distance makes love Even more stronger and how we love what we never get. 

Real or fake this love is? 

But I know I’m always going to miss,

Miss your way of doing something, 

Miss the way you always sing, 

The eyes of yours tell a different story, 

The eyes makes me feel the glory, 

But I guess I’ll love you in this second, 

Because I’ll never get another chance, 

A chance to make you mine, 

A chance to kiss you a sweet rhyme.

Trivial love. 

I can feel a distance of thousand suns,

Like this race has just begun,

I can feel my hands shivering in fears,

Like it’s all coming back from past years,

I glance at you in a hope of revival,

Yet I just think of a mere survival,

Like the moon will lose it’s shine one day,

Like the world won’t make it past its dooms day,

Can you tell me how long I have to wait,

Because this love makes me lose my faith.
“Should I text her?”I ask myself.

“Like you have listened to what I say to you right?” A voice came banging from inside.

“But I can make it alright” I said in a sad tone.

“Like you always made it alright? For God sake don’t text her long messages. It hurts inside when you text her everything and all you get is a “last seen at “. Why so stubborn?” Voice replied.

“Why so stubborn? Because I’ve heard it so many times that the things that are meant to be with you will always be there with you. And I can’t bear this distance between us. I feel like miles and miles of dessert still I make a move to get something out of it. Because I can’t let her go away without trying everything I have.” I said

“You have anything? Like love left ? Why you name it love? Is love so easily lost and so hard to find? I mean look at you and look at her. Love separates people to an extent they don’t even recognise each other or pretend that they are perfect strangers with their shared packets of forevers and endless promises which they have made . How can love demand nothing yet takes away everything from you?” Voice with utmost rage.

“Have you ever seen her smile?”I said 

No reply.

“Have you ever tried to touch her hands as she gets closer to you? Have you ever felt so lost in her deep black eyes that almost drown in them. Her scent so fresh like winds that pass through a garden of roses. Have you ever been this fallen in love that minutes of being with her feels like millenniums of infinities. Have you ever held her in your arms and felt like the entire universe in your arms. I close my eyes and I see her beside me. I don’t see her when I open my eyes. How tragic it is that I’ve spent my entire lifetime with someone I longer get to see or get to touch or get to feel. All I do is replay the voice memos she sent me on my birthday or the picture collage she sent me. I’ve been looking at them for days, weeks, months and even years. It has all passed by now and I have heard those memos soo many times I know what will come next. Still I wait eagerly for her to say those things and smile like an idiot. I sense you are right but I sense you are totally wrong as well. I know I’m not the one but I know I won’t give up on the fact of being the last one. 

I’ve read this quote in a movie. 

How can one step away from you be the step in the wrong direction.

I’ve missed her. Don’t you see that? ” I said crying to myself.

“But.” A voice came from inside.

“What but?” I uttered 

” Love is something that I won’t ever understand” voice said. 

“Why are you crying again?” Mom shouted.

“Well she knows what love is.” I said whispering.

“Wait I’ll tell you more about love.” Mom said slapping on my head.

“No way she heard that. Damn mom. ” I said smiling.

” You never loved me she said,

I always loved you he shouted,

Then why you left me she asked,

Because it was meant to be he remarked,

Is this what love means now I ask,

How trivial this love and it’s so dark,

But the god came down to me,

And held me to let me see,

How love means trying you heart out,

And forgetting about this chaos and drought,

Because love means trying,

And love is also a little bit of dying.

Urge.

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How you make yourself believe in a lie,

Can’t you just let it untie?

Look, there’s a better place to go,

Why you keep on dying in this snow?

Saw that reflection of you in her eye?

Or just a feeling of a cold goodbye?

This urge to live a life,

This urge to see myself strive,

I love the musings that you say me all night,

But maybe it’s time to give up the fight.

 

“Aren’t you doing anything on her birthday this year?” Asked his friend.

No response from the other side.

“Hey? Are you there?” Came from the same person.

“Yeah. Well I don’t know. I’ll see to that. Well,I’m off to sleep. Take care.” He said hanging up the phone.

A picture with her as his wallpaper told a different story altogether.

“Dear you,

It’s the last page of the 365 pages I’ve written till now. Ironically it’s been a year since we last had a conversation. Yeah, it was your birthday when we talked. I mean I was talking. This year’s going to be different. Will it be? Yeah you were right I’ll be missing you the moment you left. But I never thought it will change me like this. The urge. The willingness to hear you when nobody else is listening. The urge to see you when you’ve surrounded yourself by walls of people you’ve met. The urge to hear it from you, about how worthless your feelings are about boys and how your emotions change with person to person. The urge to feel your smell when the world has lost all its senses to feel anything. To touch the parts of your scarred body that you keep hiding from the world and to tell you how beautiful they look in the glowing moonlight. The urge to see you everyday for the rest of the days that I have left on this planet. The urge to save you from drowning and help you sail out of the storm that you keep dragging yourself into everytime you run into someone new. The urge to write to  you everyday and tell you how important you’ve been till now and how you’ve managed to pull out the buttons inside me that I thought never existed in the first place. I might not be with you all the time but this urge to be with you without being around you drives me crazy in the middle of the night. It tells me to grab you and never let you go again. Like you’ve been a piece of me. A day without hearing things from you feels like a millennium of infinities. Where I find myself lost. Where I don’t know how and what to say to myself. When the only thing I had was you and you took that thing away from me. The long conversations that dried and eventually perished away from my life kind of  hurt me. It just hurts not to see you but hear everything about you. It hurts trying to catch a cloud which just evades from my clenches and fades away. It just like hoping for a ship to come at an airport I guess. Your love made me do things. Your love that was just enough to make me feel like I’m the one for you. Your love that urged me to kiss you slow in the middle of the night. Your love that made me live a life with you. Your love that made me a father, a brother, a sister, a mother and a child. Your love which made me look into your eyes and see my little packets of forevers. Your love, that was just enough to make a stupid boy, a sensible man.

I know it’s your birthday today. But I know I won’t be sending you any of this. It’s been 365 days. Now I guess this urge is changed to a desperate need. But it has always been that “just enough to let you go with someone else in front of my eyes” kind of thing. I know you are fine. I just know that, my love.”

He takes all those pages. Bundles them and burns them. Maybe love stories look better in burnt ashes of little infinities that you live by closing your tired eyes every night. Maybe love stories are just musings that a fortune teller tells to those who keep on searching for it.

Rivers that flow inside your heart,

Rivers that bring a devastating drought,

How a rain inside your mind,

Brings chaos with a pretty chime.

The urge that makes me pray this time,

To feel it all once again with a sad rhyme,

The end comes before the beginning,

Then why am I still trying?

Shhh.. let them guess my love,

Let them feel this urge.

Mirror

 

as-i-stepped-out-to-face-myself-in-the-mirror-reaching-a-hand-to-smooth-away-the-steam-i-saw-myself-quote-1


“Haven’t you seen his smile?
Which he always tries to hide,
Haven’t you seen his glowing eye?
Which dims every time you pass by,
Aren’t you fond of love stories he asked,
Now he keeps on saying love stories are totally masked,
What changed him so much said his mirror,
who takes away the stars that glitter,
Why he tries to hide this pain,
I wish he loved someone like this once again.

“I don’t think this is working out, I mean why you keep on acting like the most
possessive boyfriend. I keep on telling you to give me space and all you do is act
weird every time you see me out with someone.” she said in a hurried voice.
“but..” he said rather hesitatingly.
“What but?! I know you won’t say anything .This is what you do every time. End it please.
there is no point dragging something unnecessarily.” she said.
“I was not..” he said and before he could complete his sentence the phone hung up.

He was all numb. It was happening all over again. The torture of having another
unsuccessful relationship. Like every time he went there it was same again. Same
feelings, same reasons but different people.  It became a habit of giving his share of
everything and getting mere nothingness from the other side.

He tried again and again but failed. With life, with people and with emotions. So
he wrote a letter to god and gave it to the priest that sat in the temple. He believed
god could help him out this time. He went to the priest and told him about his
letter. The priest agreed to convey his message to god. He knew he would never have
anything in return but he wrote so that he could let things out of his head.

“Dear god,
There are plenty of things I would’ve had thought of but the only thing that
gets my mind is emotions. How every time I ruin things because of these emotions. So
I want you to grant me a wish. Not being a millionaire or having all the luxuries of
world but to be a mirror. Yes a mirror. So that I could reflect other people’s emotions.
So that I don’t have to show her my emotion every time she looks at me or talks to me. So
that I could listen to all her thoughts and queries and still don’t fall for her or
feel anything specific about her. I want to be a mirror because I want to sit there
and look at her and feel how she feels. To cry with her not to cry for her. To look
at her and see that she is already looking at me. So that she can’t leave me. So
that she isn’t bored of me. I want to show her all her emotions. I want to love like
her,cry like her and feel like her. To be her other half that she looks upon every time
she is happy or she is sad. To feel her smile after her first kiss or feel her eyes after she
loses something that means a lot to her. To be there for her even if she never notices me.
To be her other part without letting her sense my presence. To watch her say silly things
about her and laugh with her. To know about her fears and about her favourite song.
To see her in every way and still be there for her without falling for her. I want you to
let me be a mirror so that I can see her the way she looks at her.”

The priest never saw him again so that he could tell him his letter was somewhere lost in
the temple. But the priest will never know what happened to the boy. Will he?

“Try a bit this time,
And tell her “YOU WILL ALWAYS BE MINE”,
Because she will never know,
And she will never even show,
You have to tell her the stories you write,
and how your world becomes so bright.
To hold her without touching her,
That’s why I want to be a mirror,
Mirror to see her face,
so that I could watch her beautiful grace.

 

dysphoria

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The wait which tends to be so long,
The gods keep on singing the same song,
Broken pieces which aren’t ever found.
which keep me making that sad sound.
Aren’t you coming back now?
Are you going to bow?
Aren’t you taking me with you?
We promised to make our world all brand new.
This dysphoria gives me such vibes,
This dysphoria keeps me awake all night.
Thinking about you,
Trying to make this dream come true.

“Hey are you not going to jump in?” a voice came from a recorded audio.
“HAPPY BIRTHDAY! I’ll always stay with you.” Another recording that comes up with a fimiliar voice.
“You don’t understand, I love you?” *phone hangs up.*
“Are you crying?” with a child like voice from one more audio.
“What are you doing this late?” came a voice from behind.
“Nothing dad just..” he said quickly wiping his tears.
“Go to sleep right now.” In a loud voice.
“Yes, dad going.” he said with a smile.
As he lays down. He covers himself with a pillow. He starts crying. No one in the world knows why. He always ends up crying at night when the world is far asleep and all you hear is ticking of the clock. There’s silence around him. The silence that makes noises that threatens his conscience. Silence that bangs his eardrums.
As he sat down on his bed with a sigh, there was a knock on his window. There was someone outside. It was a full moon night and it felt like there was a girl.
He opened up his window. She jumped onto him.
“Happy friendship day!” she said holding him as tight as ever.
“But wh” he couldn’t complete his sentence.
“Shhh, let’s go out first.” she said holding his hand.
He jumped from his window to the rooftops. He was right beside her. As close as he wanted her to be.
“Why are you looking at me?” she said with a confused expression.
“Why can’t I look at you.” he said with smile.
“Look at the moon, it’s much more beautiful than I can ever be” she said looking at the moon.
“Well even thousand moons can’t match your beauty” he said.
“Oh, how come?” she said.
“And you ask me how come the moon can’t match the beauty you have. Well moon can’t sing like you do. Full of irrelevant words and ruined beats. Moon can’t smile at me like you do. Moon can’t fall in love with things like you do. Moon can’t talk to me. Moon can’t hold me. Moon stands there life less and you full of life. “he said looking at the moon.
“But Moon is eternal. Moon is there and will always be there. Moon has watched stories and life of millions of people. Moon knows so many stories. Stories that you can’t ever think of.” she said looking at him.
And he opens up his eyes. He was back to the real world again. With that unwell feeling. Where she no longer exists. Where moon still remains eternal, but she’s gone.
He goes to the roof top.
“Hey. I miss you where you are. Talk to me” A voice memo. It plays on repeat. It repeats everynight. It repeats everytime he misses her.
He stands in front of the mirror trying to look at himself and feel her touch on his skin. He takes long showers and sits there thinking about the day when he forgot his umbrella and they shared it back to their home. Trying to feel it once more.
“Take my hand. We are almost there.” she said.
“There, where? he said.
“Wait a bit” she said holding a cover on his eyes.
“We are here! My favourite place in this small town. Where we can see the moon and the sun at the same time during the dawn.” she said smiling like a kid.
He whispers “I love you.” But no one there to listen to him.
“You said something?” said asked.
“Yeah. This place looks amazing.” he said.
Holding each others hand at that moment it felt like forever. It felt like it won’t come to an end. But it did. The moment, the places and what was left was haunting memories.
This unwell feeling it never loses its hold on him.
“Come back!” he wrote to her.
“Happy friendship day” is a message that flashed on her screen a year later.

“If I lose myself tonight,
Will you come and hold me tight.
The lines on my hand,
I hope they cut in a way I’ll be the one for you
I’m taking a stand,
for something I’m always going to lose.
This feeling of dysphoria,
Can it be my Euphoria?

Eutony.

IMG_20170327_230531_007.jpgThe cluster of letters in her name,
made an Eutony so great,
I guess it’s love to blame,
and her eyes what a threat,
that robbed my soul,
like a talisman so sweet,
Did we reach our final goal?
Or we lost sight of our fleet?
Eutony her name was so great,
Eutony her name will be
Forever engraved.
“Did you ever meet her again?” asked the small child.
“No my son, I guess things you love are the things that are the farthest from you own reach.” said the man.
“But why did you both parted your ways grandpa?”said the small child with a blank expression.
“We didn’t part our ways my dear. I just opened the cage she was suffocating in. I couldn’t see her in broken wings. She was meant to fly high in the skies, I set her free so that she comes back to me whenever she wants to.” old man said with a smile.
“But what let you love her so much?” asked the child.
“Do you love your god?” he said.
“course I do.” child smiled.
“How much?” he asked.
“This much” he said stretching his hands as much as he can.”But what god has to do with love grandpa?” child asked innocently.
“Don’t tell anyone your grandma had power of gods aswell. Her voice made people love her, and her eyes were like pearls. She was so graceful when she stood ,like everyone else disappeared from the room. She did magic. She spellbound me. I couldn’t see anyone when she was around me. She held me in her arms like she’ll never let me go. Every breath she took while she was sleeping was so mystical to me. I lost myself in her. She took all my broken pieces and made it hers.” he said with tears in his eyes.
“Grandpa why are you crying? Don’t cry please.” child said in a sad voice.
” No my child I’m not crying. These tears bring down happiness that I hold inside my heart.” he said wiping his tears.
“Do you still miss her?” child asked with hesitation.
“I do. I miss her like earth misses the moon. I miss her like summer misses the rain. I miss her like an orphan misses his parents. I miss her with all my heart, with every tear in my eyes and with every ounce of emotion that’s engraved inside my soul. I miss her fights and I miss her scoldings. I miss her ignoring my presence and I miss talking to her about nothing. I miss eating with her, and holding her. I miss her eyes that called my name in the morning and I miss us counting the stars. I miss running with her to our nowhere, and I miss the eutony in her name. I just miss her every time.” he said with a sigh.
Child hugged him tightly.”I also miss grandma.” holding his grandpa.

” They way she stood down the hallway,
I was watching her coming close to me today,
But ask she passed by me without saying a word,
I could sense my heart hitting a sword.
I wanted to kiss her slow,
But I didn’t want to let her go.
I want to keep her close,
but I didn’t want to cut her lose.
I wanted to keep her within,
But all I did was loving her doing a sin.

All over again.

Screenshot_20170705-013804_1.jpg

“Get over her. She’s just a girl. Many will come.” his friend said patting on his shoulder.
“Yeah she is JUST A GIRL.” he said with a smile.
“Am I saying something wrong?”his friend asked.
“NO did I say anything?” he said in a frustrated voice.
“Say then speak it out.” his friend said with a smile.
“You say move on? Move on from what? Lies,memories,broken promises, future planning, laughs, shared clothing, wild dreams, late night counting stars? Move on from what child like faces, running and jumping around,holding hands,kissing her forehead,loving her? She already did move on a long time ago. I remember her say I will be the one who will last longer in this relationship. Where is she now? All she gave me is lasting memories that will haunt me for a long time and a lasting voice that will eat up all the thoughts that I had, which will be questioning me, and my potential. Which will just leave me in silence for a little longer. I feel numb sometimes, not because I’ve seen to much of it but because every time I break I have to start all over again. By picking myself and dragging all those scattered pieces hoping for someone to come and help me joining them in perfect match and then breaking it again. I say moving on isn’t tough. What’s tough is holding on to those tiny specs of hopes that Rome in the darkness of your thoughts like fireflies. What’s tough is hearing your voice everyday and still trying not to love you anymore, What’s tough is acting like I don’t know you anymore and be fine with who I’m. What’s tough is being me again when all I was told was I’m more of you and less of me. I fixed you right? I reminded you of things that you love then why you hate me now? Why everyone says move on and why not hold on? Why we say you will find someone better when You know what’s best for you. Why people lie to each other and give each other false hopes about how life is so good on the other side. Why people don’t say “Hey stay there for her she needs you or Hey hold on she will come back soon”. Why can people who love each other never end up being together? Why we have to start all over again? From the beginning. We started with a wild-fire and ended up in ashes, being so vulnerable that slightest of winds blows away our hopes. Why I have to plan everything with someone else all over again when I know I won’t ever plan anything like I did it with you. Why it’s so tough to hold on? Why can’t we just be on each other’s side for the rest of our lives loving like kids and caring like grownups. Why we built castles of hopes on clouds of miseries? Why we become to sure about it not breaking like everything else. Why we always hope others to pick us up? Why is she not here to listen to all this? Why all she said was some words filled with utter hatred which she never meant to say and why I lost a small piece of me with every word that came out of her talking mouth. Why I have to start from the end again to write a new beginning? Why is she the only place that is the coldest yet the warmest place where my heart resides? I don’t want to start all over again. I want to feel the pain of watching her go in front of my eyes. I want her to see how much I want her. Maybe she will feel that I’m too weak to move on but maybe I’m just to strong to hold on. Hold on to those words that she uttered while being happy, holding on to her eyes that catch every falling breath of mine. I don’t want to start all over again just because I want to forget her. I don’t want to start all over again just to show her I can do it. I don’t want to start all over again because my world stops revolving around the galaxies of infinite possibilities and endless emotions when she isn’t around. Tell me it’s worth it won’t you? Tell me more reasons to give up and I’ll tell you twice as many to live it up to you cuz I don’t want it all over again. ” he said with a sigh.
“If I was her I would’ve had kept you forever.” his friend said poking him.
“yeah.” he smiled.